Mental Health Week: My Mental Health the Past Several Years Until Recently (October 2019)

I’ve been wanting to write a post about this for a while now. Before I get into the nitty-gritty of it all, I want to say the last thing I want from anyone is pity or to get attention.

People have always told me I am mysterious, which has been intentional. I’ve kept everyone at arms-length: friends, family, and acquaintances. I’m an extremely complicated person. But, isn’t everyone else? This writing is in a sense an explanation and an apology to my family and friends I have in Pennsylvania who thought my move to Washington was so abrupt.

My mental health the past 9 or so years has been extremely low, and at some points so was my physical health. For those of you who have gotten to know me in any capacity, know
that I tend to be a very positive bubbly person who is willing to help when someone is in need. It’s not an act. That’s who I am, but it’s only one side of me. I have used this part of my personality as a coping mechanism for a long time to act as if nothing was wrong in my life. I was hiding some serious issues that I was struggling with on my own for several years. Recently, I’ve been really open about the struggles I have dealt with. And I am ready to share with you my story and how I got to where I am now. I know that a lot of you will be shocked when you read this, but I won’t go into very much detail.

Here’s some background information…People who really know me know that I really struggled being in the public school system. I love to learn and care about what I was learning and the decisions I was making for my future. Other students acted like it was a complete joke. I didn’t feel very challenged in school so I was always reading a book everywhere and all the time. I remember my dad saying one day in the car on the way to my high school, “It’s like books are your boyfriends.” In a sense, it’s true. It was a rare occasion not to see a book in my hands, or at least in arm’s reach. People in school also noticed that I didn’t have a boyfriend (at least until my senior year of high school but we also lived an hour away from each other), which was intentional on my part and I was content with being single. I also dressed very modestly as I do even today.

After I had lost a good amount of weight before I started high school, I noticed how popular I was becoming. It wasn’t the good kind of popular though. I started seeing a change in the way male peers treated me. I wasn't bullied so much about my weight anymore like the girls did in middle school, but it still was about my body. I became sexually abused by multiple guys on a daily basis. I don’t know if it was because it was the reasons I listed above or if they were just being cruel, but it extremely affected my life for the past 9 years.

The sexual abuse started out as lewd comments that made me feel extremely uncomfortable in my freshman and sophomore year, and then it led to more physical attacks. Soon after I started my junior year, I was getting smacked around and I couldn’t go to a school dance without being surrounded by my male peers and being danced on top of inappropriately. I was living in fear every day.

I tried everything I could to keep myself as safe as possible even if it meant I had to isolate myself from others. I spent almost all my lunches in the library reading (I was only allowed there during lunch because I was the library club president) or the guidance office to do the yearbook. I didn’t go to parties or football games. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to remove myself completely from further abuse. I was stuck with one of my abusers as a chemistry partner my entire junior year. I had told my teacher the situation and all I got was laughed in my face and told, “Oh, he just likes you.”

Despite thinking being on the last roster for homecoming court my senior year was a joke on me, I still went to the game and managed to get stuck with another one of my abusers as I walked down the field. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t regret going because I represented my class as their Homecoming Princess, which is by far one of the most humbling experiences I have had, but it still made me feel very exposed. I went to prom both junior and senior years and ended up regretting that because I felt like I was reliving all those memories of past dances. My high school graduation was extremely stressful for me. While people cried because they were going to miss high school, I cried in secret because I had survived what was hell for me. During the ceremony, I tried very hard and managed not to pass out from all the anxiety and claustrophobia I dealt with as well as a wicked migraine that followed once the ceremony was over.

Because of all that I dealt with in high school, I was so full of shame and guilt for things I didn’t do. I developed anxiety, claustrophobia, and depression. I managed to cope properly through some of the anxiety and claustrophobia while I was in college, but the damage was still pretty deep and I didn’t know who to turn to so I threw myself into as much school and work I could possibly do to numb the pain I was dealing with. In the end, my health suffered. I barely slept or ate and always felt on edge. Eventually, I gained almost all the weight I had lost before I started high school soon after graduating from college.

Living in my hometown was difficult because I waited on people who were either my abusers or they reminded me of them. I was falling deeper into the pit of depression and needed to do something about it, but I didn’t know what so I thought a fresh start would really help. I traveled across the country to the state of Washington. That helped a great deal but it wasn’t until I went through months of counseling with my church here in Washington for a good part of this past year. I have been given the tools to work through what I have dealt with. I am rarely anxious now and I am finally getting out of the depression I was in for 9 long years. I am not living in the shell of myself, and I feel like I am living my life as I should have been. I am no longer ashamed of the abuse I dealt with and it doesn’t define who I am. I am no longer a victim but I am a stronger person because of it, and I will advocate and support any woman who is struggling with any kind of abuse or depression and anxiety.

My door is always open if you need to chat. I don't recommend dealing with it alone. 

With that, my high school class is having their 5-year reunion this November, but right now I don’t think I am ready to face all the possible people that have abused me while I was in school. If I end up seeing one of those men when I visit family and friends at some point, I will keep being the positive and bubbly person I am but I’ll probably keep my distance.