It's been over a year since I've last posted and it's because it has been a crazy full year. I've finally had time off from work where I didn't have anything going on since maternity leave in January last year. As I've shared this before, I use this space to write what's on my mind, what God has been teaching me, and to help me sort out what I'm going through at the current time.
Unexpected Loss
Right now I'm/we're in a season of grieving while trying to find the joys through the grief.
A day after Hailey's first birthday, we found out that we were expecting our second. We were excited and looked forward to adding to our family in August 2024. We scheduled my first prenatal appointment at the birthing center (where we had Hailey) for early January once we returned from Washington after the holidays.
Fast forward a few weeks later, I was about 8 weeks so I was pretty safe since having a miscarriage was at a 1.5% chance. I was very much looking forward to getting out of my first trimester, which was the hardest part for me with Hailey's pregnancy. My heart hurt for those who had a miscarriage, but I never thought that miscarriage would happen to me (especially after having Hailey who was my first pregnancy) until it did. A couple days into our Washington trip, I knew something wasn't right and I ended up going to the ER for a few hours as I went through the worst of it. When I got the diagnosis, I was told that "You did all the right things, but these things just happen." Knowing this did little to stop the hurting in my heart and mind as I left the ER.
Despite how awful this experience was, I thank God the process of losing our baby was fast because I know some people have to endure through this process for a couple of weeks. I thank God for Josh's family who was able to take Hailey to the Christmas Eve service while we focused on taking care of my health. I'm thankful for the few family and friends who knew about what was going on and have been by our side (in person and virtually) making sure I was okay in those first few days (and beyond). I'm thankful God distracted me in the initial few weeks where He helped me stay busy caring for a sick Hailey the first week and working until both Josh and I can take off work at the same. I'm thankful that God gave us the entire week last week together to relax and process our grief appropriately.
Grieving in a Season of Joy
Since having the miscarriage, my body has bounced back pretty quickly and I have been fairly okay with keeping it together, only when I'm prepared to hear or see it. About 16 hours after I had my miscarriage, the Christmas Eve celebrations started and I knew staying back wouldn't be good for my mental health albeit a little tired and out of it. The ER doctor told us we could go but beware of any symptoms. At one of the gatherings, I knew that I'd see two very pregnant women at a family Christmas party, but I managed to keep it together and was able to have really uplifting conversations with them while sharing the joy they have coming their way as children are truly the best gifts from God.
Grief hits me like a train when I least expect it. Now that the holidays are over and normal life can start again, we tried to get back to what has become previously routine for us. One of those things is our Tuesday night Bible Study, and it's full of married couples in their 20's and 30's. As you would guess, many of these couples have kids while there are some that don't. It's been a really supportive group and we have enjoyed being plugged in. In typical fashion, before starting the material, we share prayer requests. We sat next to our church's pastor who leads our group so that meant we would go first, which I think was no coincidence. I felt the Lord prompting me not to share the news of losing our baby over Christmas break, and I think it was because the couple next to us needed the space to share that they were expecting their second and were about 12 weeks (I would've been about 1 week shy of that with our second). I sat in my chair for maybe 15-30 seconds trying to hold it together before I realized I was going to burst into tears. So before the tears came, I quickly and quietly got up from my chair and made it to the bathroom so I can allow myself the space I needed to grieve.
After Bible Study was over and before I left the building, I apologized to the mom for walking out after she just shared their great news. About 5 minutes later, another mom found out the news while Josh, her husband, and I were talking. She shared that she had gone through multiple miscarriages (but has healthy beautiful kids herself) in the past and noticed that I apologized for walking out and told me that I shouldn't be sorry for allowing myself to grieve during a time where people expect joy.
Don't get me wrong. I am finding joy in the grief and sorrow, but I'm learning it's okay to grieve and the balance between grief and joy in this season. I'm excited and joyful for the friends who are having healthy pregnancies as I know quite a few mommas-to-be, and I don't want people to be afraid to share their joy with me. Just don't be surprised if I need a few minutes to myself as I give myself the space to grieve even if I remove my presence for those few minutes. I'll come back and be genuinely excited for you as I talk to you about your baby.
Bringing Awareness for Those who Miscarry
As someone who has gone through grief in different stages of my life, I think there isn't enough awareness on how to handle this kind of loss and there doesn't seem to be a safe enough space to share this, which is why I think women quietly suffer in their loss while trying to protect others in the process. I think a lot of people don't know how to respond and say, "I'm sorry for your loss." I'm guilty of that or just being silent. Now coming from the other side of it, it personally hurts more sometimes to hear this because I feel bad for sharing what I'm going through and now I wish I protected you from my grief.
In those moments, sometimes it's that hug, phone call, a meal offered, or time away from daily life (such as talking over coffee/tea), but it's especially Godly wisdom that needs to be reiterated, that helps heal that pain. I think it comes down to helping the woman know that they are seen and not focus on what they lost but help them see life's blessings while also still not forgetting that little one.
A Month of Walking Alongside Grief
Most of my days have been good, but I do have some where I am feeling grief's rollercoaster. It's forced me to learn how to allow others to know what I'm going through so that they can support me in this season. As our church is doing a sermon series on how we're anchored for eternity, it reminded me of the tattoo I have on my ankle that says, "You are the anchor for my soul" (Hebrews 6:19). It's a great reminder that Christ continues to ground me to this day even though this tattoo is 9 or 10 years old. Because of knowing this, I won't let grief swallow me like it has in the past or distract myself so I never face it and it ends up buried. I am walking alongside it instead as I allow God to guide me and heal my heart and mind.
December 23rd will probably be a hard day for me for a while, but I know I will never forget this baby that we never got to meet and will share one day with Hailey and any other future children we have that they have a brother or sister with the Lord watching over us until God chooses when we're to go home.
I also know God is using this for good even though it doesn't feel like it right now. God will probably call me to be that friend who offers that hug, chat over coffee/tea, a meal, and/or Godly wisdom when someone shares hard news with me. But right now, I'll allow my heart and mind to heal.
Here's a song that came on Spotify pretty recently that has stuck out to me and has brought me some peace during this season of grieving. It feels very fitting since it sounds like a lullaby you would sing a baby to sleep.
