His Plan is Always Perfect

As if this year has been not been hard for us already, God decided that we needed to be stretched more.

It has been a very busy summer (and then fall) for us. A lot has happened since I last posted in June, but I'll back up a little more to fill in some gaps before I get into the meat. This will get a bit science and health related. If you're not interested, feel free to skip to the section titled His Plan is Always Perfect. I think my PCOS friends might appreciate the findings I have in hopes that they can find healing as well. I am no doctor, but I'll always advocate for healthier living.

Listening, Reflecting, and Researching Health

The day before I found out I was pregnant in April before my latest loss, I heard someone share their experiences with their fertility struggles and how one of the tests they took was a gluten related test as they shared their testimony. That made me think of how my diet was before I was pregnant with Hailey and the start of my pregnancy with her. Before Hailey, I was struggling with some health concerns through my entire engagement and first 9 months of marriage with Josh, which is why I went gluten free. I figured out the partial cause of the biggest health concerns and thought that I resolved them about 6 months before I got pregnant with Hailey. I still stayed gluten free for a good portion of Hailey's pregnancy. It wasn't until I was encouraged to eat a little bit more when it comes to carbs and then after she was born that I stopped being gluten free. 

I'm not saying that being on gluten was the cause of both my miscarriages nor am I blaming myself for either, but going gluten free has been a healthier lifestyle that has made me feel better. A lot of people don't realize that when you become gluten free, it takes gluten about a month or so to have it completely removed from of your system. You might feel better but underlying issues might still be seen. Unfortunately, if this was at all a cause or factor in my miscarriage, I found out too late.

After my miscarriage in early June, we worked with a fertility clinic to make sure everything with our genes aren't the problem. Thankfully, I carry no genes that would cause miscarriages (which also meant Josh was in the clear) but we didn't get too many answers other than that. While going through testing, I kept reading and watching information about people with PCOS symptoms and how it's becoming more common with little known reason for why more women are dealing with these issues. After research, I learned that more recently it was understood that PCOS has been showing more of an insulin resistance response, which continued to prove my theory that gluten can be the cause of my infertility lately. I also follow a couple where the husband who helped reverse the wife's PCOS through cooking her meals that were gluten free and dairy free. Now they have 2 beautiful daughters, which is very inspiring. Although I am not dairy free yet, I already noticed going gluten free started reversing some previous pre-pregnancy symptoms that were even better than before Hailey so it made me think that I should be treating my body like it deals with PCOS symptoms.

His Plan is Always Perfect

If you stuck with me through the research rabbit trail and discoveries I made in the summer, I'm glad you stuck around. However, if you skipped ahead to here, I'm still glad you stayed because you get to hear what's been happening lately. There is still a little bit of medical talk but it's important to this part of the story.

The rest of the summer was pretty busy with working with a fertility clinic (mentioned in the last paragraph of the section above) and seeing things checking out in the event that there is a cause genetically. After checking all the boxes and given a clean bill of health in the genetic department on my side, the plan was for me to do a hybrid IUI treatment, which was daily blood thinner injections and then progesterone supplementation once I was pregnant. Although the daily blood thinner injections seemed uncomfortable, I was willing to go through it because we feel like God has been calling us to grow our family.

We were told that we'd start treatment once my next cycle started but I ended up finding out I was pregnant again before that at the beginning of September. Thankfully, we skipped the pre-pregnancy blood thinner injections (to provide more blood flow to the baby) and went straight into it along with a high dosage of progesterone supplementation because my body definitely needs help with progesterone.

Unfortunately, 3 days before finding out we were pregnant, Josh's company told him that they were laying him off and he would be unemployed at the start of November, which means we would also lose our health insurance at the end of November. It was definitely a lot of mixed feelings for both of us. Fear. Excitement. Frustration. Joy. The timing for both to happen at the same time weren't great, especially since we were expecting to have my sister living with us a few weeks later, but we were trusting that God will take care of all of us.

But God used both our situations to support each other. While I struggled with doubts that this baby will make it, Josh made sure to continuously encourage me and support me with the extra maintenance it required to give this baby the best chance it could have. While Josh grappled job loss and feeling betrayed by the company he supported for over 6 years, I was able to reassure him that God has something much better planned as he was already considering job hunting for the last 6 months.

We were purposely looking for the blessings amongst what felt like chaos. Melanie has been a blessing to have around as she has been really great at helping around the house but especially helpful loving on Hailey when I struggle with the energy to do very much since I've been on a high progesterone dosage. At around 6 weeks, we confirmed that there was an embryo. At around 7-8 weeks, we heard the heartbeat (bringing me nearly to tears) but we knew we weren't out of the woods yet, but having that heartbeat was a HUGE milestone for us.

I'll be officially 14 weeks on Monday, which means we made it to the second trimester! I've already graduated from the blood thinner injections and I have been working on weaning my body off the progesterone and should be off it completely in the beginning of December. I'm slowly getting energy back and look forward to feeling more normal. We also got to see our baby again a few days ago because he/she is great at playing hide and seek and refused to allow the midwives to get his/her heartbeat. This little one made us laugh because he/she is just as wiggly as much (if not more) than Hailey was. Plus, he/she has an obsession with his/her hands like big sister.

Soon after we heard the heartbeat, I ordered this onesie as the going home onesie for this little one. I felt it was the most appropriate because although this year has been hard for us and we may not know why we're going through everything that we have, God's plan is perfect and He deserves all the glory here.

This little one should be joining our crew in May 2025.

Lifting Up Lamentations

What is Lamenting?

Lament: A prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion

Lamenting is not something talked about very much in the church despite there being an entire book in the Bible called Lamentations. I've grown up in the church and I don't even think I've ever done a sermon series in Lamentations. Job lamented. David lamented. Even Jesus lamented.

It has always felt like lamenting is not something that's seen as acceptable in the Church because it's often seen as not trusting God. I've even heard similar things said in the Christian community. I think to a certain level that's true but it's dangerous to not bring that pain, sorrow, and confusion to God even if it means tear stains on your cheeks. There have been points in my life in the past where lamenting would have been the healing I needed instead of feeling like I had to bottle up the sorrow, pain, and confusion because it felt like people would see it as not trusting God.

Lifting Up Lamentations

For me, I didn't truly understand lamenting until the past couple of months...

We found out in the first week of April that I was pregnant again. We weren't sure how far along I was, but we called the birthing center immediately since I had a miscarriage only 3 months prior. I was neither scared nor excited. I don't know exactly how to describe how I was feeling but I was very much erring on the side of caution, especially since this pregnancy felt off to me from the beginning. I guess you could call it mother's intuition.

We got a few orders of bloodwork, an ultrasound, and an appointment. Before our appointment, my bloodwork showed that my progesterone was low, which is often an indicator that I could miscarry. Without knowing what my progesterone was like in the initial pregnancies with both Hailey and my last miscarriage, we believed it was possible that my body normally functions on low progesterone and needed a little assistance of progesterone supplementation.

We were told that a recurrent miscarriage is also unlikely because most people tend to have a healthy pregnancy even after having a miscarriage, and I know many in that boat. Unfortunately, I was not.

Throughout all of April and May, I'd get a call from the midwives about 1-3 times a week updating me about the bloodwork or ultrasound results. Thankfully, I had about a half hour jump on seeing the results so I had time to prepare for their expert opinion. The best news I ever got was neutral and that didn't happen very often, and being asked if I feel pregnancy symptoms was honestly devastating, especially since this pregnancy had been pretty brutal on me from the beginning this time around. I knew the answer to the question and I was sad to admit that I was feeling less pregnant as each day went by.

Of course, I'd get these calls at the beginning of the work day so I've had to quickly learn how to let the news sink in, update Josh, and then lament in prayer before having to join a work meeting 10 minutes to an hour after finding out the news and acting like everything is going great.

The prayer I distinctly remember most and repeated often was, "I don't know why I'm going through this heartbreak again, but I know ultimately this child is Yours and I am a steward of this soul until you take him or her home. I will do everything to care and love on this child well while he or she is in my care." It was very freeing and helped me go through the grieving process this time around. I felt prepared for what was to come next whatever that ended up being.

After about 8 weeks of this new routine and seeing the obvious signs in my fourth/final ultrasound that our baby hasn't grown since the previous ultrasound a week prior, I knew what news the midwife would share over Memorial Day weekend. I was going to most likely lose my baby soon after getting off the progesterone supplementation I was on for 6 weeks. I chose to miscarry naturally and miscarried this baby a little over a week later. Instead of dwelling what I couldn't change or control, I focused my energy on what I currently had in the moment: God, my husband, my daughter, my church, and my job.

Healing from Another Loss

Although I'm sad I won't meet this baby on Earth as well, I'm grateful for the peace and comfort God has given me in this valley. For those who knew about this loss, we've felt very supported even though not much can really make this better other than prayer for healing. Even though I've had to fight off questions/statements blaming myself internally for not being able to carry these babies, I know I have done everything I possibly could to steward them well during my time with them. It's a daily reminder as I know God has a purpose for both losses and I don't know why yet, but I'm open to what He has in store for me and my family.

Pretty recently, Josh and I have become youth leaders at our church (Who thought that was a good idea?) But we seriously love it and can see the impact we're already having in just a few months. In my last small group time with my 7th and 8th grade girls, I have been able to explain lamenting (without sharing my own current circumstances) when I was asked a hard question from one of my youth girls about why bad things happen in this world. I gave them reasons why, but felt lead to explain that God wants you to bring up the things that cause pain, sadness, or confusion to Him. I told them that it's called lamenting and that's totally okay. I could tell there was some comfort and understanding in the room that God is right there with them no matter what they go through and I hope they take that simple explanation and apply that in their lives.

Before I finish off I wanted to add a song (and a picture below) that was sung as the last worship song about an hour before I got the official news from the midwife that this baby will most likely pass. Although tears rolled down my face (thankfully it was dark in the sanctuary during worship so few can see) while we sang this, it gave me a lot of comfort with the promises God has for me and my family as He has already so much for me so far.

After posting this on my blog and not sharing the link right away (it just didn't feel like it was time yet), we saw a double rainbow on the way home from the beach later this month (first one I've seen in a long while) and it was such a comfort. As God has shown Noah the rainbow as a promise, it felt like this double rainbow was very intentional and is a promise to me that He has everything under control and that I can trust in Him.

Walking Alongside Grief

It's been over a year since I've last posted and it's because it has been a crazy full year. I've finally had time off from work where I didn't have anything going on since maternity leave in January last year. As I've shared this before, I use this space to write what's on my mind, what God has been teaching me, and to help me sort out what I'm going through at the current time.

Unexpected Loss

Right now I'm/we're in a season of grieving while trying to find the joys through the grief.

A day after Hailey's first birthday, we found out that we were expecting our second. We were excited and looked forward to adding to our family in August 2024. We scheduled my first prenatal appointment at the birthing center (where we had Hailey) for early January once we returned from Washington after the holidays.

Fast forward a few weeks later, I was about 8 weeks so I was pretty safe since having a miscarriage was at a 1.5% chance. I was very much looking forward to getting out of my first trimester, which was the hardest part for me with Hailey's pregnancy. My heart hurt for those who had a miscarriage, but I never thought that miscarriage would happen to me (especially after having Hailey who was my first pregnancy) until it did. A couple days into our Washington trip, I knew something wasn't right and I ended up going to the ER for a few hours as I went through the worst of it. When I got the diagnosis, I was told that "You did all the right things, but these things just happen." Knowing this did little to stop the hurting in my heart and mind as I left the ER.

Despite how awful this experience was, I thank God the process of losing our baby was fast because I know some people have to endure through this process for a couple of weeks. I thank God for Josh's family who was able to take Hailey to the Christmas Eve service while we focused on taking care of my health. I'm thankful for the few family and friends who knew about what was going on and have been by our side (in person and virtually) making sure I was okay in those first few days (and beyond). I'm thankful God distracted me in the initial few weeks where He helped me stay busy caring for a sick Hailey the first week and working until both Josh and I can take off work at the same. I'm thankful that God gave us the entire week last week together to relax and process our grief appropriately.

Grieving in a Season of Joy

Since having the miscarriage, my body has bounced back pretty quickly and I have been fairly okay with keeping it together, only when I'm prepared to hear or see it. About 16 hours after I had my miscarriage, the Christmas Eve celebrations started and I knew staying back wouldn't be good for my mental health albeit a little tired and out of it. The ER doctor told us we could go but beware of any symptoms. At one of the gatherings, I knew that I'd see two very pregnant women at a family Christmas party, but I managed to keep it together and was able to have really uplifting conversations with them while sharing the joy they have coming their way as children are truly the best gifts from God.

Grief hits me like a train when I least expect it. Now that the holidays are over and normal life can start again, we tried to get back to what has become previously routine for us. One of those things is our Tuesday night Bible Study, and it's full of married couples in their 20's and 30's. As you would guess, many of these couples have kids while there are some that don't. It's been a really supportive group and we have enjoyed being plugged in. In typical fashion, before starting the material, we share prayer requests. We sat next to our church's pastor who leads our group so that meant we would go first, which I think was no coincidence. I felt the Lord prompting me not to share the news of losing our baby over Christmas break, and I think it was because the couple next to us needed the space to share that they were expecting their second and were about 12 weeks (I would've been about 1 week shy of that with our second). I sat in my chair for maybe 15-30 seconds trying to hold it together before I realized I was going to burst into tears. So before the tears came, I quickly and quietly got up from my chair and made it to the bathroom so I can allow myself the space I needed to grieve.

After Bible Study was over and before I left the building, I apologized to the mom for walking out after she just shared their great news. About 5 minutes later, another mom found out the news while Josh, her husband, and I were talking. She shared that she had gone through multiple miscarriages (but has healthy beautiful kids herself) in the past and noticed that I apologized for walking out and told me that I shouldn't be sorry for allowing myself to grieve during a time where people expect joy.

Don't get me wrong. I am finding joy in the grief and sorrow, but I'm learning it's okay to grieve and the balance between grief and joy in this season. I'm excited and joyful for the friends who are having healthy pregnancies as I know quite a few mommas-to-be, and I don't want people to be afraid to share their joy with me. Just don't be surprised if I need a few minutes to myself as I give myself the space to grieve even if I remove my presence for those few minutes. I'll come back and be genuinely excited for you as I talk to you about your baby.

Bringing Awareness for Those who Miscarry

As someone who has gone through grief in different stages of my life, I think there isn't enough awareness on how to handle this kind of loss and there doesn't seem to be a safe enough space to share this, which is why I think women quietly suffer in their loss while trying to protect others in the process. I think a lot of people don't know how to respond and say, "I'm sorry for your loss." I'm guilty of that or just being silent. Now coming from the other side of it, it personally hurts more sometimes to hear this because I feel bad for sharing what I'm going through and now I wish I protected you from my grief. 

In those moments, sometimes it's that hug, phone call, a meal offered, or time away from daily life (such as talking over coffee/tea), but it's especially Godly wisdom that needs to be reiterated, that helps heal that pain. I think it comes down to helping the woman know that they are seen and not focus on what they lost but help them see life's blessings while also still not forgetting that little one.

A Month of Walking Alongside Grief

Most of my days have been good, but I do have some where I am feeling grief's rollercoaster. It's forced me to learn how to allow others to know what I'm going through so that they can support me in this season. As our church is doing a sermon series on how we're anchored for eternity, it reminded me of the tattoo I have on my ankle that says, "You are the anchor for my soul" (Hebrews 6:19). It's a great reminder that Christ continues to ground me to this day even though this tattoo is 9 or 10 years old. Because of knowing this, I won't let grief swallow me like it has in the past or distract myself so I never face it and it ends up buried. I am walking alongside it instead as I allow God to guide me and heal my heart and mind.

December 23rd will probably be a hard day for me for a while, but I know I will never forget this baby that we never got to meet and will share one day with Hailey and any other future children we have that they have a brother or sister with the Lord watching over us until God chooses when we're to go home.

I also know God is using this for good even though it doesn't feel like it right now. God will probably call me to be that friend who offers that hug, chat over coffee/tea, a meal, and/or Godly wisdom when someone shares hard news with me. But right now, I'll allow my heart and mind to heal.

Here's a song that came on Spotify pretty recently that has stuck out to me and has brought me some peace during this season of grieving. It feels very fitting since it sounds like a lullaby you would sing a baby to sleep.

My Birth Experience with Hailey

When a mom is expecting their first baby, they have no idea what labor actual looks and feels like, but they definitely think about it. A lot of soon-to-be moms are scared when it comes to labor because it's painful and a lot of work on their bodies.

My birth with Hailey probably be labeled as traumatic since it was 44 hours of unmedicated labor with no sleep. I had some plans of things I wanted to do with my labor and delivery with Hailey and a lot didn't go as I planned, but where it counted it did go as planned.

Before Hailey was born, there was concern about my platelet levels. They were fairly low in my last trimester. About a week before she was born, my platelet levels hit the bare minimum level for the birthing center to be comfortable having me give birth there since the risk of me hemorrhaging was very high. They did say they had Pitocin in case I do hemorrhage, but I need to be above 100. I got bloodwork done a couple of days later (the Thursday before she was born) after taking a prescription iron supplement in addition to the platelet level increasing juice concoction I'd been taking for a couple of months that was keeping my levels at bay. The results ended up being inconclusive because of it coagulating.

On the following Saturday at 4am, I started to go into labor, but it was difficult to tell. I didn't know what to expect when it came to labor pains or what exactly it would look like for me. I had a lot of prodromal labor where I'd get very nauseous in the beginning of November so I didn't want to get too excited. However, the pain was more intense than the prodromal labor. I spent the day counting time between contractions and distracting myself. We took my in-laws to a cute downtown area that was having a Christmas market. After we got home, the contractions never became consistent so I waited it out longer.

After about 16 hours of labor, I called the midwife line and the midwife on call thought it was too soon for me to come in since I'm a first time mom and it's normal for early labor to last this long or longer. I called another time in the middle of the night since I was getting no sleep and she told me to wait until the contractions were more consistent. I was told that the midwife for the next shift will show up at 8am so I tried to get more sleep but couldn't since the pain was pretty intense and had been the same intensity since the beginning.

I called the midwife line and the midwife I was hoping to get was the one who picked up the phone. I explained that I had been in labor for 28 hours already and couldn't get any sleep and couldn't keep any protein down. She prescribed me some medicine to help with both and advised me to take a bath before coming in at 2:30 that afternoon.

Josh and I weren't sure whether we'd be coming back or not. We were more in the camp that we'd be coming back home, but we already had our car packed weeks before already. The midwife checked me and said that I was 7cm and that Hailey was turning herself, which is why I was having prodromal-like labor. She also told me the baby should be born that day.

We followed her instructions and planned to go get some castor oil and orange juice as well as protein (Jersey Mike's was my request) to eat after the birth. Right as we were getting in the car, the midwife requested to get a blood draw for my platelet levels since the previous results didn't give results and there was still a chance I would need to go to the hospital even after giving birth. As my blood was getting drawn, the Lab Corp guy was picking up samples so we had to flag him down before he left. Quite comical despite how much pain I was in. Once that was over, we went to the grocery store, Jersey Mike's, and the mall to walk and drink the castor oil in the orange juice.

After an hour, we returned to the birthing center and went through the last of my labor. I finally started having more consistent contractions once my water broke as I hit transitional labor, which lasted 45 minutes and finally got even more painful. Despite having a high pain tolerance and able to go through all the early labor pain and still being very functional, transitional labor was not something I was expecting. The midwife's assistant noticed how I was reacting to it and advised that I needed to surrender, and I took that as I needed to surrender everything to God because I was trying to take control, which was making it more difficult for me.

That definitely made it so much easier, especially with Josh being the support I needed. I had Josh get the midwife and her assistant when I was ready to push. I was already 42-43 hours into labor at this point and I was beyond exhausted. I think the only things keeping me from giving up was my stubbornness with the fact that I didn't want a hospital birth and the strength God was giving me.

While I was in the process of pushing a couple things happened, first the results from my bloodwork showed up moments before Hailey was finally delivered into the world, which was not helpful but we were all relieved with the results. Thankfully, my levels went up to 110, but we had Pitocin on hand because I did end up hemorrhaging but it was manageable. The second thing that happened was there was another mom who decided to wait to come to the birthing center until she was pretty much ready to push. We jokingly all said that it's a race to see who would deliver first. I won apparently but she showed up minutes after I gave birth to Hailey. Because this mom showed up, it gave Josh and I special time with Hailey as we marveled at the beautiful work God created through our daughter.

I had my answers as to why Hailey wasn't coming when we thought she should have and why I was dealing with prodromal labor for so long. My body was trying to turn Hailey for an entire month and move her to where she needed to be, but was really struggling. Her cord was super short and it made it difficult for the both of us.

It was pretty obvious that Hailey was born pretty late compared to when she should have been born. She definitely showed signs of it, such as skin that was peeling (perfectly fine though since her newborn skin would show up soon after) and long fingernails that already needed to be clipped. We're just happy she is here and doing so well.

After everything was said and done, Josh asked me if I would do the birthing center and unmedicated labor route again. My response without hesitation is "Most definitely." God has given me a body that can do this and was really empowering despite how exhausted I was. The care I got at the birthing center was amazing and I felt very valued there.

The Meaning Behind Hailey Marissa's Name

When we came up with our daughter's name, it wasn't easy for us initially to pinpoint a girl name we both liked. Josh liked more common names while I liked more classic names. We had probably had 3 names that we could go with for a girl but had double that many for a boy.

Before we found out that we were having a girl, we had a girl name and boy name ready for whoever God decided to have us be parents to. I (and many family members on both sides) was pretty sure we were having a boy, but we ended up having a girl. The moment I saw her on the anatomy scan I fell in love with my little girl. She already showed quite the personality and always made us laugh at every appointment. That has definitely translated to how she interacts in the outside world. I'll just say she has some strong preferences and is very strong for someone so small.

The name we chose for our daughter is Hailey Marissa. I didn't look at the translations of her name until after we made the decision for her name. For her first name, it just seemed like it was a God thing because the Irish translation of her name means "Wise One." Wisdom is something that Josh and I have prayed for from the day we met each other and in almost every decision we make. From big decisions (getting married, when to have kids, and moving to Florida) to smaller decisions, we wanted to be led by faith then by selfish desires. God has blessed us immensely through this despite some of the trials we've gone through.

Having Hailey is a great reminder of how we need to be wise with how we act and say whether we're around her or not and I think it's by no accident that we chose a name that means "Wise" for our daughter.

Now for her middle name. Normally, on my mom's side of the family, all the women have names that start with "M." As you notice, we decided that Hailey's first name will not start with an "M" because there are too many people with "M" names in both my family and Josh's family. Instead, her middle name starts with an "M" and it's extra special because we named her after both our moms who are very special to us. I've heard that Marissa has many meanings, but my favorites are either the Egyptian meaning for "Beloved" or Latin for "Little Mary." Hailey has been beloved the moment we found out that she was going to be part of our family (and the moment God knew she would exist in this world) and we love her more and more each day. Also, I find it funny because I go by Mary to certain groups of people so if my daughter ends up being anything like me, I hope it's the best parts.

So there you have it. Hailey's name is special as she is very special to us. We hope she learns to be wise and knows how beloved she is.

Oh the Places You Go

First day on the road (WA State)

People always ask us why we made a decision to move to Florida, which seems so drastic. I feel like now that Josh and I are a little bit settled down in Florida (and I have a day off work) I can share how God brought us to Florida.

This past year we celebrated our first year of marriage. In that year, God has allowed us to refine our family vision that we started talking about when we were dating and figuring out whether the life we hoped to live would match up. Thankfully, our visions were and still are the same. Because family is important to the both of us, we've been listening to God's call and felt his pull to move to Florida.

How the Idea of Moving Came to Us

Church with a huge cross in Texas we passed

The idea of moving to Florida wasn't a moment where we closed our eyes, spun ourselves in a circle, and then put our finger on a map. Our move to Florida is a work of God. God came to us individually about this and we both wrestled with this internally before we shared this with each other. Neither of us initially wanted to move because it would mean we would be leaving Josh's family and it didn't help that my cross country move to Washington was pretty traumatic even though I've never shared that publicly online.

We felt like God was calling us to move for many reasons one of those being the atrociously high costs of the Washington housing market. We wouldn't be able to afford buying a home for several years if we stayed and I would have to continue working despite our decision for me to homeschool our children. Florida has the potential for us to not only buy a home, but also build one that is a multi-generational home where we could end up taking care of our parents later in the future but also use our home as a ministry. 

Despite knowing this fact, we came to the conclusion that if God is truly calling us to move we would give time for the decision, continue being open to the idea that He wants us to move Florida, and seek counsel from our loved ones and others affected by this decision. Over the course of a year, God has given us some of the biggest signs that would be clear to us that He wants us to continue pursuing this move.

Family First

Red Cat Café menu board in Birmingham, AL

It was important for us that both our families were onboard with our plans. If they weren't onboard, we knew this was a clear sign that God did not want us to pursue the idea of moving away from family. We were honestly surprised with their responses. It turns out Josh's parents and grandmother want to move as well, but it'll probably take them about 3-5 years once Josh's dad is able to retire.

With living on the opposite side of the country from my family, it's hard to find affordable plane tickets from Washington to Pennsylvania. If we fly from Florida, it's a third of the cost on plane tickets, which makes it much easier to see my family. For visiting Washington, we can probably make it cheaper for us when Josh's company flies him out and pays for a hotel and car rental for us. All we'd have to pay is for my plane ticket (and "lap child" tax).

Work-Life Balance

One of the other concerns where we thought God might cause a red flag was our jobs. My job I was currently working at the time wouldn't have been a problem, but my new job was more than happy for me to be thinking about moving to the same time zone. It was Josh's job that we weren't sure would be on board with us moving to Florida. It turned out that Josh's company thought the move was beneficial for them since they needed IT presence in the east coast.

And Now We're in Florida

Made it to Florida!

Several other pieces aligned for us perfectly, too. With my new job, it doubled my income and allowed us to save exactly what we needed to get movers to ship our stuff across the country and to get us there. He has given us peace, especially for me, during a time that isn't easy. The road trip was as safe and easy as it can be, which was something I had wrestled with for weeks before this move. And despite being at the end of my second trimester, God has given me good health where I feel fairly normal and I am functioning during all these changes.

In front of our new home

God has blessed us immensely and has been reminding us in the last month with continued blessings through His provision. When we look out our windows in our living room, we have a clear view of a giant cross a few miles away, which gave us peace knowing that God has been with us and continues to be with us.

We've only tried one church out the past 2 weeks and the sermons series that the pastor is sharing is all about hearing and listening to God. It has been validating to us as we've had some moments of "Is this really God or is this our own selfish desires?" In yesterday's sermon, the pastor listed off how to determine if a decision is God inspired or if it's our selfishness, which included

• Your thinking aligns with God's Word (2 Corinthians 6:14-16)
• Your thinking aligns with Godly counsel
• Your thinking aligns with time - Don't be in a hurry
• Your thinking with God's purposes (Romans 8:28, 11:36, James 4:3)
• Your thinking aligns with peace (John 14:26-27, 16:33, Philippians 4:6-7)

As we listened, we both took in all that the pastor said and both felt comforted that what the Bible says we're following God's, and He wants us to know not to be downhearted about missing family and friends we left in Washington for this move since we'll still be able to see them again when we visit.

The birthing center where our daughter will be born

Finally, I was able to quickly get into the birthing center that I researched like crazy so that I could get the best care for me and our daughter during these last few months. It's honestly a God thing. Thankfully, it didn't cost a fortune for the rest of the care and labor and delivery fees, which are all paid. I know a lot of new moms are afraid of childbirth, but I walked out of my consultation with confidence and peace with our decision. I'm surprisingly at peace with the idea of childbirth and plan to use this experience as a way to thank God that He has given me a body that has cared so well for this baby despite how much my health suffered in the past. I'm enjoying every little kick and tickle this little girl gives me as we count down the weeks when we can finally meet our daughter and take her home with us.

The Start of My Golden Year

Golden Birthday (n.) - The birthday on which the numeral of one's age matches that of the day of the month. Example: Age 27 on June 27th

I only found out about a year ago that a golden birthday is a thing. You may think it's silly and it kind of is, but it really seems like it's going to be a golden year for me. I'm 27 today on the 27th and I'm thankful for the life God gave me.

Last year I wrote that I didn't feel any different than the year before, but this year I have to say I definitely do feel different. It could be all the pregnancy hormones and changes happening to my body. I may feel exhausted mentally and physically by the end of the day but my spirit feels rejuvenated. I think part of this could be from all the changes going on in both of Josh and my life.

Working for a new company has been a blessing and a challenge. Powering through in my first trimester while starting a new job has not been the most fun, but God really has provided for us and has paved the way for our future plans. My company is very good about promoting a life-work balance that allows me to focus on my health and making sure I get the rest and care I need. I also found out not too long ago that I'll be able to spend 11 weeks of paid time off with our baby, which is something I wouldn't have had working at my previous company. We're making plans for family visits and adjusting to life during the time I'll have available.

Our little bean is halfway to making his or her appearance since I'll be officially 20 weeks on Thursday. This pregnancy has been both fast and slow. We look forward to every appointment. This little one is very active and likes to remind me once in a while that they're still in there. It's funny watching my midwife trying to measure the baby's heart beat while the baby is moving around as if it knows that we're trying to check in on it. Josh and I are excited to find out whether our baby will be a boy or girl on July 6th.

Over the past month, we've been packing boxes and getting rid of furniture that we won't need right away and plan to replace eventually as we prepare for our cross country move. It's bittersweet for us. We'll miss our friends and family in Washington, but we know Florida is where God wants us to go and how we can provide a better future for our families. We also managed to buy our bed upgrade that we planned on buying so that we have a guest bed, and we'll have that delivered to us within our first week of living in our new place.

2021: Year in Review

2021 was not the year a lot of us were expecting. A lot of us hoped that life would get back to normal, and it did for some and lot of us it didn't. I've been one to never let anything stop me, and I'm grateful that I married someone who is just as determined and stubborn as me in this way. As I think over everything that has happened this year, it feels like it's been one of the longest and one of the shortest years I've lived through. God has blessed me (and, of course, Josh) so much in ways that have truly humbled us. I personally felt like despite everything going against us in this world God has been paving the way He wants us to go and we are following it in faith and confidence. We aren't where I expected us to be but I don't mean that in a bad way at all.

 

Just Married!

Officially married

It's hard to believe that Josh and I have only been married for just over 9 months because this year felt so long. Our plans for our wedding had changed multiple times because of the restrictions in Washington kept changing. Combine that with having my family fly across the country was such a feat, but against all the challenges Josh and I got married in March through God's providence and strength. Married life has been a learning curve (But when isn't it?), but it has been such a blessing for us and we're grateful that God brought us together. I can't believe that more than 9 months have past since we got married. It felt so quick yet like we've been married for 3 years.

 

Home

Before getting married, I was living as bare bones as you could possibly think. It wasn't so much out of choice, but because I didn't have money for more than the bare necessities. Through the generosity and gifts of others for our wedding to being diligent about making sure our house needs are filled, our home feels homey and that I don't feel like I am just in boxes ready to move to the next apartment or house.

After we got married, our first priority when it came to our home and lifestyle was to be better stewards with God has given us. We prayed that God will help us find a way where we could be right in the middle of Josh's immediate family and extended family and friends so that we could be generous with our home. This meant increased income for at least one of us, which God provided exactly what we needed. In September, we moved an hour north of where the apartment we lived when we first got married so that we're in the middle of where Josh's family and friends live. It has been an adjustment for us, but we have been learning how to really enjoy our townhouse and the ability to host our home, serve a weekly meal to others, and fellowship with others.

Health

My health has been a roller coaster this year. I struggled with a lot of symptoms for most of the year and have done a lot of experimenting with food and lifestyle. I found that gluten and dairy aren't my friends and cause me to struggle with physical ailments and cause depression and anxiety to occur more often. It also doesn't help that my job can be very mentally draining and stressful for me. I'm taking things one day at a time and I'm in the process of figuring out all of these issues. I still have more to figure out but we're getting closer to finding myself feeling better mentally and physically. I'm relying on God for the strength I need to deal with these issues as I experience them and as I learn more about them.

Career

This year has been a really busy year professionally for me (and Josh as well). I got a great raise that puts me closer to what I should be paid and allows us to save for a house. I've also been taking more of a leadership position in my company. Despite my efforts to find a new job for 6 months after getting married, it was pretty clear that God wanted me to stay where I'm at and see the needs in my company. I've identified them and put together a plan so that my company is aware of the benefits of allowing me to mend the gap. Because I know both sides of the business, I've become a huge support for other coworkers by assisting in a somewhat IT troubleshoot position as well as making sure that their work is done well and on time when extra assistance is necessary.

In addition to this, I've learned a lot of new information and increased my skill set in 3 main areas: IT Support, Project Management, and UX Design. It has made my life a bit chaotic but it has definitely been worth it. I'm looking forward to where all of this will take me for the next 2-5 years (and even after that) that I work in my career before I step away from my position and become a homemaker, which I'm very much looking forward to being.

Travel

Cinderella's Castle at Magic Kingdom

I've traveled about the same amount that I did in 2020 surprisingly. At the start of this year, I was able to visit my best friend, who was also my maid of honor, in North Carolina marking my 27th state I've been to in my lifetime. It was time that I really needed to relax and get to spend time with someone I missed. We both drove up to Pennsylvania (PA) where I got to show Esther my part of PA, which was fun to be tour guide in my hometown again. In PA, I got to celebrate my mom's birthday as well as a bridal shower with people from my childhood.

Not only did I travel to the east coast once, I did it again a second time but in a different location. Growing up I've always wanted to go to Disney World and my husband made that dream come true for our honeymoon in June. It also meant that I got to mark Florida as the 28th visited state, and I really enjoyed my time there. Going in June this year was probably the most economical time for the experience we got because they were starting to get back to normal life after Covid. Disney World is so magical and we had a blast spending 5 days running around like kids in an amusement park. I want to go back again, but we'll see when that will happen again.

Heading into 2022

Christmas Eve Service

Josh and I see 2022 being one with a lot of changes just like 2021, but we think it'll be the most important year for the decisions we can make for ourselves, our families, and the family we hope to build. We're expecting these changes to be difficult but rewarding.We're optimistic that these are the best decisions we can make for us and the future of our family. Since God has been giving us all green lights with our plan, we'll continue following the direction God has been leading us. And before you ask, no, I'm not pregnant if that's what you're thinking. I'll keep you updated as our plans become more final and as we continue preparing for this next stage in our lives. So stayed tuned!

The Summer of a Thousand Changes

It's been about 3 months have past since my last post. So much has changed that I didn't foresee. It's kind of crazy how God works in our lives and through us. This summer has been the summer where I have had to deal with the most change. Every aspect of my life has been completely changed.

6 Months of Marriage

Ready for the Toby Mac Concert!

Josh and I hit our 6 month mark of marriage a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully, we still like each other despite being around each other almost 24/7 since we both work from home. It has been such a fairly easy transition for both of us as I had been living on my own for a while so I wasn't used to having someone around all the time. Josh, on the other hand, had 4 other people living with him before we got married. Despite that, it's been a blessing to have Josh around to encourage me and be the stability I needed, especially with all my health issues I was having. We have grown so much in such a short amount of time and I see how much God has used both of our lives and personalities to prepare us for our marriage. Because we met during Covid and things didn't start opening up until after getting married, I feel like we get to do a lot of firsts together, such as going on vacation together, going to concerts, and the Washington State Fair. They always say you should always keep dating your spouse and I feel like meeting and marrying each other during Covid is a blessing in disguise. I am really looking forward to seeing where the next 6 months take us.

My Health

My health has been a roller coaster for about 9 months to a year. My blood work from the end of June came back mostly normal. It just showed indicators that my adrenal levels are a little higher than they should be. It thought it was from all of the stress that I was dealing with. I also received results from my food test. I am not super sensitive to many foods, but it turns out the two main foods that I tend to be most sensitive to is dairy and brewer's yeast (or beer). I already avoid those in addition to most gluten which has helped.

After receiving the results and finally having time to think over everything, I came to realize the timeline of not feeling well with a medication I started taking right before then. At the beginning of this month, I got off the medication that I was taking for almost a year. Before I was off the medication, I was feeling like I could barely make it through the day despite how much sleep I got and I had to take Ibuprofen or Excedrin every day to keep my headaches or migraines (depending on the day) at bay. I was also dealing with some severe anxiety and some intense nausea on some occasions, too. Within a couple of days off the medication, I started to really feel back to myself. Now I wake up feeling like I got enough sleep unless I went to bed way too late. I rarely have a headache and I haven't had a migraine for almost two weeks. This is a huge answer to prayer and I am so very grateful since this medication gave me some very intense symptoms that was taking a huge toll on my body and mind. I feel like I have my body and mind back. I'm going to enjoy the time I have feeling this way and also continue the gluten-free keto diet that we have been on. I can definitely tell a difference even with that.

Job

I'm still job hunting. It's been a bit frustrating and disheartening since I have been so close to getting an offer at least a handful of times. I'm still doing what I can and I will continue working on getting a better paid job.  I decided that I will take a couple of certification courses in the mean time to help assist in the job searching. I'm currently working on project management skills through Google Coursera, where I got my IT Support Specialist Certification. Once I complete that, I plan to get a certification in UX Design, which would marry up all of my skills (instructional design/technical writer, IT, and project management) and mark me as a skilled (more clearly on paper) User Experience Instructional Designer/Technical Writer. I know God will give me the job He needs me to have in His timing. He has been keeping me busy with my current job as an Instructional Designer/Technical Writer at MATC Group, Inc.

                                                                Home

Our Apartment We Just Moved Out of

Right after being engaged (November 2020) to Josh we moved me in an apartment that was closer to his family and that he'd move into when we got married. The past 6 months of living there have been a blessing, but we knew this apartment would be temporary. We wanted to move closer to his family and friends that live quite a ways away so (despite my disdain for moving) we found a beautiful townhouse that allows us to grow and save until we are ready to buy a house. This move is #7 or #8 for me in just over 5 years. I am becoming more hopeful that I have a couple more moves left before we officially buy a home and live in it for more than 1 year.

We don't know what the next year will look like but we talked about plans of what we might do depending on our finances and the politics in Washington. We are just continuing to pray and rely on God where He wants us to be. We are listening to His call wherever that takes us.
He has always provided personally for me in His timing and I see it in our marriage as well.

 

Overall, I think this summer has been the best summer I ever had despite all my health issues, the difficult job hunting, and the impending move. I'm just grateful I feel better and have health insurance that actually covers medical expenses and for a home that is perfect for us right now. I'm also thankful that I wasn't dealing with it alone and that I still have a job that allows me the flexibility I need right now.

Year 25: An Exhilarating Rollercoaster

Another year has past for me. I'm no longer 25 but I don't feel any different other than the fact that it has definitely been the best year of my life so far despite how challenging this year has been. If you'd asked me last year on my 25th birthday if I see myself where I am today, I'd probably laugh and say, "I'll probably be debt free and just doing what I can to enjoy the life I God gave me." Little did I know that the guy I went on two dates with at the time would be my husband almost 9 months later. This has been a year full of hills, valleys, and valleys in the hills. It has been the year of lots of positive changes.

At the beginning of 2020 (before Covid), I had a list of goals I wanted to accomplish. I didn't end up going to Hawaii or go scuba diving or travel around the country in a rigged up van. But the one goal I accomplished was paying off my loans. I believe this is really the only goal I accomplished even though I decided to wait to pay it off until the end of the year because the interest rate was frozen. I at least got that down.

I moved again this past year, which has been my 6th or 7th move in 5 years. I'm starting to lose count and I'm hoping that this trend of moving around isn't going to be a thing very soon. I've got furniture I like now so that's an additional motivator. I've also had 3 groups of friends move away in a matter of a month, which was hard to see, but it's good to see them doing so well. I think this was a driving force that God gave me to trust in Josh because I don't trust men very easily.

Surprisingly, I've traveled more in the last year than I have in my life. I've done 4 cross country round trips in 1 year; 2 of which were trips specifically to visit family. I got to mark off 2 more states from my list of states to visit because I got to see my best friend who moved to North Carolina and went to Disney World in Florida for our honeymoon. North Carolina was a nice respite through all of the chaos and stress from figuring out a wedding. Disney World was an experience I can't properly explain because it was like I was a kid again and experiencing a whole new world outside of the real world.

The most significant blessing and change that has happened to me is that I married Josh. I was pretty much close to burn out from constantly fighting to make ends meet. After Josh and his family came into my life, I started noticing so many positive changes in my life. It also didn't take long for all of us to be on the same page and know that we're a really great fit. We decided that we weren't going to wait to get married after Covid because it made sense to get married sooner rather than later.

Then there's the wedding planning...I never thought I'd have to plan a wedding during the most difficult time you could plan one. I always jokingly think that God likes making me really work for the things that I want and are good for me. Just like putting myself through college, wedding planning was very challenging. With the state of our country in response to Covid, it made planning not very fun. I knew that no matter what God will provide the wedding we'd need for Covid no matter how hard it might be. In the course of 5 months, I'd have to say that I planned about 4 or 5 weddings while working full time and moving out of my previous apartment to the one I currently live in. Despite it all, the wedding we had was beautiful and most of my family made it across the country to attend it. It also helped Josh and I communicate more and get to know each other a lot better so even that makes it even more worth it.

I also was able to share part of what my life is like in Washington with some family. I was really excited to bring my 14-year-old sister, Melanie, back with me 5 weeks before the wedding as well as my mother for 4 weeks. It was something I really wanted to share with them, and I was so glad that I finally could. It was such a fun time, and I'll always cherish the time that I had with them.

Finally, I truly realized I have been working my body so hard the last 8 years that it decided to shut down immediately after the wedding. I have been and currently still have some unexplainable symptoms but I have it mostly under control temporarily until I can get some medical help. I do have days where I am pretty tired and have a slight migraine, but I can manage to stay up just long enough and keep a migraine at bay right before it gets pretty bad. I did finally get some movement this month on what could be the cause. There are a couple ideas my new doctor thinks it could be, but I'll start getting some real answers after my blood work comes in from this week. I'm hopeful that I'll start feeling what normal can be like soon. Life is definitely starting to feel like a bunch of appointments and events for me. It's good to start feeling like normal life is coming back again, but it's definitely been overwhelming for me at times. It's just a new normal where I'm learning how to say "no" so that I can have a small break in the week for my health.

My birthday this year has been a stark difference from the last few years because I've spent a lot of my birthdays alone, especially last year. Changes like these can be pretty overwhelming for me so spending it with a group of people who want to do what I want to do is definitely not what I'm used to now.  Thankfully, it's been a relaxing birthday for me.

I'm excited to see the changes and things God will bring in my life in this coming year. I'm looking forward to hopefully feeling better and getting the answers I need. Josh and I have plans (both short term and long term) but we're relying on God and praying to get the direction we need. A lot can happen in 1 year like this past year where I went from single and just making ends meet to being married to a great man and having the stability to get the care and time I need to take care of the health issues that I've been struggling with the past few years.

To the Man Who Loves Me (Part 3)

 A quick recap of "To the Man Who Broke Me (Part 1)" and "To God Who Restores Me (Part2):"

The girl dated a very narcissistic abusive man who she felt deep in her heart that she shouldn't have. She went through 4 years of hardship as she tried to remove herself from this man who held onto her so tightly. She managed to get away only because the country shut down because of a quarantine.

Through the help of God's guidance and protection, the girl saw a lot of healing happen within herself a year before she was able to remove herself from this abusive man. She was ready for what God wanted her to do next even though the Covid-19 pandemic was only at its start.

Now back to the story. The girl starts her journey into online dating while also making plans to live in a van or save for school. The girl sifts through many profiles of men that are in her age range. She matches with several suitors over the course of 3 months. She goes on a couple of not-so-great dates with one guy who had some commitment issues. The girl feels that she is exhausting her options of Christian men in a 100-mile radius to the point where only 1 new guy would show up every few days.

In early June, she considers deleting the Bumble because it seemed like God was closing that door and she was ready to continue on with the other two options. She decides that she will give herself a couple more weeks of using the app and would stop using it on her 25th birthday at the end of the month.

A couple days before she visits family in early-mid June, she stumbles upon a guy's profile that stuck out to her more than any profile. His love for God, his family and friends, and his hobbies intrigues her, but she thinks he is way out of her league. Yes, she still swipes right thinking, "Well, it won't hurt. He'll probably move on pretty quickly."

A few more days pass and she is looking forward to a beach trip with some childhood friends and seeing her family because it's almost been a year since she has seen them. She flies across the country with her mask on and luggage in hand. After she runs across from one side of the airport to the other to catch her layover, she looks down at her phone out of breath but relieved that she didn't miss her flight to her hometown. She notices that she has a new match on Bumble. It's the man who she thought is out of her league. She takes a shot in the dark and messages him a question that requires some thought but not too much of a curve ball. She gets a response almost immediately so she responds back. Their conversation continues for another 15 minutes until the girl has to put her phone on airplane mode.

The girl's plane lands and she is reunited with her family who she missed dearly. She enjoys her time with her friends at the beach and later with family. The girl continues to get to know the man on Bumble and learns that they have a lot more in common than what is portrayed on his profile as they ask each other questions. The girl feels comfortable and safe enough that this guy is genuine and tells the truth about his life so she agrees to meet with him for a date the day after she returns from her trip.

The 10-day trip feels so short, but the girl is optimistic about the budding relationship that she is forming with this man. Their date is simple but relaxing. It is a walk in a forest along a well-populated trail. As they walk, they share their testimonies and the things that mean the most in their lives. After a long walk, they eat Mexican food at a local authentic restaurant and talk for a few more hours. Both are very hesitant for a couple months to let the other in because of the hurt that both had gone through.

After both trusting in God and continuing to get to know each other, it becomes clear to both the girl and this guy that marriage is definitely in the cards. They continue their relationship for another 2 months before they get engaged to build a stronger foundation as friends since they didn't know each other before Bumble. The man becomes someone the girl can rely and trust on where he takes care of her in a loving and provisional way. She realizes how much God knew the type of man the girl needed after all she has been through.

Their engagement is full of trials. The girl goes through another move but one that is closer to the man's family so that she has people she knows closer to her as she waits and plans their wedding. She goes through so many hoops to figure out their wedding because of Covid and the changing restrictions as well as having family 3,000 miles away. The wedding works out despite all of the changes that the girl and the man who loves her went through. Their wedding is beautiful and unique but most of all Christ-centered.

As life continues, the girl starts seeing the things that she craved for for a long time. The man shows his love in his tender care but also fun-loving personality. He comforts her when she struggles with her health, her failures, and anxiety but always makes sure to bring her back to Christ. He prays with her and over her. He provides her with the stability that she never knew. He also teases her in a loving kind of way...

 

Everyday life (for me) sometimes has its ups and downs. Some days feel like hills while others feel like valleys or a combination of both, but God is continuously faithful and I can say that with confidence despite all that I went through.

Song Reflection: Busted Heart (Hold on to Me) by For King & Country

Here's another song reflection that has had a huge impact on me recently and in the past. Underneath both the video and lyrics, I'll give a reflection and/or anecdote of my life and how it really struck me.

Verse 1

Winter has come back again
Feels like the season won't end
My faith is tired tonight
And I won't try to pretend
I've got it all figured out
That I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah I need You now.

Chorus 1

Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Verse 2

I am the wandering son
Enough is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
Yeah, I'm desperate for grace.

 

Chorus 2

Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Take all of me
Hold on to me

Bridge (x3)

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here
For me

You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go

(Chorus 1 x2)

 
Outro

Winter will come to an end
Soon the season will end
I surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am

Biblical Reflection

When I hear this song, I think of David, the prodigal son, and Job as well as many other Biblical figures who have suffered through some dark times.

Sometimes suffering was caused from their own sin, such as when David's punishment for committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband to cover up their sin. David had gone through so much suffering for that sin. 4 of his sons died, including the baby that Bathsheba had and his son (Absalom) who tried to kill David, because of his sin. In Psalm 51, you can clearly see David's remorse and pain he is suffering from the decisions he made that got him to that point. I can imagine David praying to God to hold onto him and not to let go through all of the fear that he had been going through while hiding from his son who was trying to kill him. Despite how bad the things David did, he is still know as one of the greatest men of God and he was a patriarch in Christ's lineage. 

Alright, now for the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). We all know this parable. What has always struck me most about this parable was not that he was wasteful of his inheritance nor how his father welcomed him home and threw a giant party. It was how the prodigal son was so very willing to be his father's servant. Before reuniting with his family, he was pretty much chasing the wind and enough was never enough when it came to what he could do with his inheritance. David sometimes reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son who pretty much throws away everything God has ever blessed him for earthly things. I can see the prodigal son desperate for any kind of grace going to his father pleading for him to not let him fall to his face despite deserving it, and his father (like God with David) still forgives and blesses him.

Then there's Job. He was blameless but he lost everything. He lost his children, home, and wealth. His friends treated him like he sinned against God, which they thought could be the only explanation for his suffering. Job knew he needed God and he held onto God despite his "friends" persecuting him for the things he lost that he had no control over, and this season God had put Job through must have felt like a "winter that won't end." Job had many moments where he asked, "Why me?" One those examples is his physical response of ripping his clothes and shaving his head in sorrow. Despite all of that, Job clung to God and, in the end, God blessed Job immensely more than what he had before.

Anecdote

This song has hit me so many times in my life when things seem tough. It is a constant reminder to me that no matter what happens in your life you need to cling to God, especially during the hard times. I also see the the suffering in some capacity that has happen to David, the prodigal son, and Job.

When it comes to my faith and certain things happening in my life right now, it feels like I am in that winter season that doesn't seem to end. For me, Covid has been such a blessing in so many areas, but it has been wearing on me more and more as the months go by. It was bearable the first few months before I had a new relationship and a wedding to distract me from the emotional, mental, and physical pain I had been trying to stuff down through all of the excitement. As I think about it, I can see how that led to my attitude throughout wedding planning.

I am very candid with some people in my life, especially my husband. I find myself saying to him that I can't pretend I am doing the best and that I don't have it figured out. And he has been such an encouragement. He prays with me and for me and finds ways to encourage me and support me. We're both going through so much change (some the same and some very different) in our lives and we're trying to navigate our changes both individually and together. It doesn't help that I have been feeling very spiritually depleted and feeling like I have no energy.

I have been in my Bible more than I ever have in my life but I have been struggling to feel the connection I have had before Covid and the beginning of Covid. But with everything that's happened in response to Covid and the things I have been struggling with health-wise, I constantly find myself asking, "Why? Why does my faith feel so attacked right now since we can't worship in the way we used to? Why is this country in such disarray? Why does my body shut down on me?" I know that there are seasons in our lives where it feels like God has gone "silent" and that's okay. That's when we need to cling onto God and ask Him to "hold on to me" like it says in this song. , I can say that despite how hard this social distancing and mask wearing has been for me, God has greatly blessed me like He had with Job. I met and married my husband during this crazy time. I can see how God is protecting me and using both my husband and I to support each other during this difficult period.

My health isn't what it used to be and it has gotten worse over the last year. The things I used to be able to do last year, such as a 10-mile hike, is not something I can do now. It's been very frustrating to deal with and I have a hard time coming to terms with that. If I push myself too hard, I will more than likely get a massive migraine that will take me out for the rest of the day and possibly make me feel wiped the next day. Even on a good day, I feel tired and headache-y all day no matter how much sleep I get.

I've always had unanswered questions why I feel the way I feel, but never could get the answer. I've been doing what I can so that I can feel more functional than what I'm used to, which is pushing myself to do the every day things I need to do. I've gone gluten free (in addition to being mostly dairy free) and that's helped a little bit, but it has been very discouraging because I can't have the things I enjoyed eating and it takes a lot of energy that I don't really have to make food that I can eat that's good for my body. Even though I am unable to solve the headaches/migraines induced by wearing a mask, I know I can rely on God for the strength and energy I need to get through the day and get the things I need done.

I am even more hopeful now that with better health insurance I can get those answers, which is such a blessing. I look forward to seeing my new doctor and talking with her the long list of symptoms that have been a daily and sporadic battle for me.

Reflecting on the Year After Covid-19's Lockdown Anniversary

As I was sitting in my chair yesterday, I was reminded by my Facebook memories that yesterday was exactly 1 year from the point where my previous church started live streaming their church service, which they never did before. But, let's back up a couple more days...

On March 13, 2020, Governor Inslee of Washington issued a statewide shutdown for schools and limited gatherings. A couple of days later the entire country followed suit and shut down so that in 15 days the country can flatten the curve. Life as we knew it completely changed. Kids were doing school from home. People were getting laid off, furloughed, losing hours, or working from home. Terms, such as quarantine, mask wearing, and social distancing, became a part of everybody's everyday vocabulary.

For me, the quarantine and Covid 19 completely changed my life. Today, I am reflecting on this past year. This past year was far from the year I was expecting. Like many, my life was completely flipped upside down where I had to figure out a new normal.While I was already working from home with my full time job, I lost both my side jobs (nannying and tutoring) that were giving me additional income that helped me pay my bills...

A year before Covid 19 and the quarantine, I had left a toxic relationship and had gone through a lot of counseling for previous hurt. I was so close to being out of a 10-year depression, but there was the constant reminder of my past that kept me from getting to that point. While attending my previous church, I was struggling with having someone who couldn't get past the idea that he was causing me so much pain and anxiety. It was getting worse right before the quarantine to the point where I was highly considering a restraining order and trying to decide whether that was the right thing to do.

While I was in the process of speaking up to protect myself and deal with this situation, Governor Inslee gave the order to limit gatherings which included churches. While being away from my Christian community was extremely hard, I felt the last of the dark heavy clouds lift because I was no longer dealing with the person making me feel so unsafe in a place that should allow me to feel safe. That was just the start of all the changes in the last year...

The plans I had for the year were completely different than what they became. I was planning to scuba dive more often, start saving up for a car and a trip to Paris, and pay off my student loans by my 25th birthday in June. God had very different plans for me, and they were far better than I could ever imagine. The only thing I did manage in my original plan was become debt free.

The quarantine was not as hard for me as it has been for others even though I pretty much was living alone. I spent a lot of my time doing things I had put off, such as switching over my music to Spotify and creating my own personal digital book library. (My heart goes out to all those who have struggled and continue to struggle with the circumstances.) It was God's way to forcefully slow me down. With working full time and side jobs, it did not give me time outside of working to relax and have fun. Since I had more free time, the quarantine really made me look at my life and see what options I had available to me. I saw 3.

1. Consider saving money for graduate school once things go back to normal as well as travel to Paris at some point.
2. Rig up a van and live in it and travel around the country.
3. Try online dating.

I was all in for all 3 options. I didn't know which one God wanted me to follow or if it was any of these options at all, but I was ready for whatever God wanted for me. If you asked me a year ago where you think I would be now, being married to a wonderful God fearing man would probably have been the farthest idea of where I'd be today. God is so good and really knows how to humble me.

In my eyes, the least likely of these options was online dating because my dating history is not an easy one and I am very few people's cup of tea so odds seemed pretty low to me. Fortunately, it became clear pretty quickly that both Covid was not going to be short but very long and that online dating was the path God chose for me.

Little did I know that after only having Bumble for less than 3 months I would meet my future husband. I wasn't sure about him at first because he didn't seem to be my type, but I gave him a chance because his love for Christ, his family, and his friends is so evident and we have a lot in common. It became clear very quickly that God wanted us to be together. Our dating life felt like one from the 1950's or 1960's. We spent our time together taking walks, talking faith, going on drives, and telling each other what we hope our future lives to look like. This probably wouldn't have happened had it not been without all the other distractions that would have been around if Covid was not a thing. We got engaged 4 months into dating and married 5 months later on March 13, 2021. Unintentionally, that is exactly one year from the day Governor Inslee started the Covid 19 restrictions.

I'm sure in 5, 10, or 20 years for those of us who remember this will remember the lives we had to get used to because of the quarantine and shut down. For me, I'll be the one to say that I met and married my husband during a pandemic.