What is Lamenting?
Lament: A prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion
Lamenting is not something talked about very much in the church despite there being an entire book in the Bible called Lamentations. I've grown up in the church and I don't even think I've ever done a sermon series in Lamentations. Job lamented. David lamented. Even Jesus lamented.
It has always felt like lamenting is not something that's seen as acceptable in the Church because it's often seen as not trusting God. I've even heard similar things said in the Christian community. I think to a certain level that's true but it's dangerous to not bring that pain, sorrow, and confusion to God even if it means tear stains on your cheeks. There have been points in my life in the past where lamenting would have been the healing I needed instead of feeling like I had to bottle up the sorrow, pain, and confusion because it felt like people would see it as not trusting God.
Lifting Up Lamentations
For me, I didn't truly understand lamenting until the past couple of months...
We found out in the first week of April that I was pregnant again. We weren't sure how far along I was, but we called the birthing center immediately since I had a miscarriage only 3 months prior. I was neither scared nor excited. I don't know exactly how to describe how I was feeling but I was very much erring on the side of caution, especially since this pregnancy felt off to me from the beginning. I guess you could call it mother's intuition.
We got a few orders of bloodwork, an ultrasound, and an appointment. Before our appointment, my bloodwork showed that my progesterone was low, which is often an indicator that I could miscarry. Without knowing what my progesterone was like in the initial pregnancies with both Hailey and my last miscarriage, we believed it was possible that my body normally functions on low progesterone and needed a little assistance of progesterone supplementation.
We were told that a recurrent miscarriage is also unlikely because most people tend to have a healthy pregnancy even after having a miscarriage, and I know many in that boat. Unfortunately, I was not.
Throughout all of April and May, I'd get a call from the midwives about 1-3 times a week updating me about the bloodwork or ultrasound results. Thankfully, I had about a half hour jump on seeing the results so I had time to prepare for their expert opinion. The best news I ever got was neutral and that didn't happen very often, and being asked if I feel pregnancy symptoms was honestly devastating, especially since this pregnancy had been pretty brutal on me from the beginning this time around. I knew the answer to the question and I was sad to admit that I was feeling less pregnant as each day went by.
Of course, I'd get these calls at the beginning of the work day so I've had to quickly learn how to let the news sink in, update Josh, and then lament in prayer before having to join a work meeting 10 minutes to an hour after finding out the news and acting like everything is going great.
The prayer I distinctly remember most and repeated often was, "I don't know why I'm going through this heartbreak again, but I know ultimately this child is Yours and I am a steward of this soul until you take him or her home. I will do everything to care and love on this child well while he or she is in my care." It was very freeing and helped me go through the grieving process this time around. I felt prepared for what was to come next whatever that ended up being.
After about 8 weeks of this new routine and seeing the obvious signs in my fourth/final ultrasound that our baby hasn't grown since the previous ultrasound a week prior, I knew what news the midwife would share over Memorial Day weekend. I was going to most likely lose my baby soon after getting off the progesterone supplementation I was on for 6 weeks. I chose to miscarry naturally and miscarried this baby a little over a week later. Instead of dwelling what I couldn't change or control, I focused my energy on what I currently had in the moment: God, my husband, my daughter, my church, and my job.
Healing from Another Loss
Although I'm sad I won't meet this baby on Earth as well, I'm grateful for the peace and comfort God has given me in this valley. For those who knew about this loss, we've felt very supported even though not much can really make this better other than prayer for healing. Even though I've had to fight off questions/statements blaming myself internally for not being able to carry these babies, I know I have done everything I possibly could to steward them well during my time with them. It's a daily reminder as I know God has a purpose for both losses and I don't know why yet, but I'm open to what He has in store for me and my family.
Pretty recently, Josh and I have become youth leaders at our church (Who thought that was a good idea?) But we seriously love it and can see the impact we're already having in just a few months. In my last small group time with my 7th and 8th grade girls, I have been able to explain lamenting (without sharing my own current circumstances) when I was asked a hard question from one of my youth girls about why bad things happen in this world. I gave them reasons why, but felt lead to explain that God wants you to bring up the things that cause pain, sadness, or confusion to Him. I told them that it's called lamenting and that's totally okay. I could tell there was some comfort and understanding in the room that God is right there with them no matter what they go through and I hope they take that simple explanation and apply that in their lives.
Before I finish off I wanted to add a song (and a picture below) that was sung as the last worship song about an hour before I got the official news from the midwife that this baby will most likely pass. Although tears rolled down my face (thankfully it was dark in the sanctuary during worship so few can see) while we sang this, it gave me a lot of comfort with the promises God has for me and my family as He has already so much for me so far.
No comments:
Post a Comment