Song Reflection: Busted Heart (Hold on to Me) by For King & Country

Here's another song reflection that has had a huge impact on me recently and in the past. Underneath both the video and lyrics, I'll give a reflection and/or anecdote of my life and how it really struck me.

Verse 1

Winter has come back again
Feels like the season won't end
My faith is tired tonight
And I won't try to pretend
I've got it all figured out
That I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah I need You now.

Chorus 1

Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Verse 2

I am the wandering son
Enough is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
Yeah, I'm desperate for grace.

 

Chorus 2

Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Take all of me
Hold on to me

Bridge (x3)

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here
For me

You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go

(Chorus 1 x2)

 
Outro

Winter will come to an end
Soon the season will end
I surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am

Biblical Reflection

When I hear this song, I think of David, the prodigal son, and Job as well as many other Biblical figures who have suffered through some dark times.

Sometimes suffering was caused from their own sin, such as when David's punishment for committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband to cover up their sin. David had gone through so much suffering for that sin. 4 of his sons died, including the baby that Bathsheba had and his son (Absalom) who tried to kill David, because of his sin. In Psalm 51, you can clearly see David's remorse and pain he is suffering from the decisions he made that got him to that point. I can imagine David praying to God to hold onto him and not to let go through all of the fear that he had been going through while hiding from his son who was trying to kill him. Despite how bad the things David did, he is still know as one of the greatest men of God and he was a patriarch in Christ's lineage. 

Alright, now for the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). We all know this parable. What has always struck me most about this parable was not that he was wasteful of his inheritance nor how his father welcomed him home and threw a giant party. It was how the prodigal son was so very willing to be his father's servant. Before reuniting with his family, he was pretty much chasing the wind and enough was never enough when it came to what he could do with his inheritance. David sometimes reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son who pretty much throws away everything God has ever blessed him for earthly things. I can see the prodigal son desperate for any kind of grace going to his father pleading for him to not let him fall to his face despite deserving it, and his father (like God with David) still forgives and blesses him.

Then there's Job. He was blameless but he lost everything. He lost his children, home, and wealth. His friends treated him like he sinned against God, which they thought could be the only explanation for his suffering. Job knew he needed God and he held onto God despite his "friends" persecuting him for the things he lost that he had no control over, and this season God had put Job through must have felt like a "winter that won't end." Job had many moments where he asked, "Why me?" One those examples is his physical response of ripping his clothes and shaving his head in sorrow. Despite all of that, Job clung to God and, in the end, God blessed Job immensely more than what he had before.

Anecdote

This song has hit me so many times in my life when things seem tough. It is a constant reminder to me that no matter what happens in your life you need to cling to God, especially during the hard times. I also see the the suffering in some capacity that has happen to David, the prodigal son, and Job.

When it comes to my faith and certain things happening in my life right now, it feels like I am in that winter season that doesn't seem to end. For me, Covid has been such a blessing in so many areas, but it has been wearing on me more and more as the months go by. It was bearable the first few months before I had a new relationship and a wedding to distract me from the emotional, mental, and physical pain I had been trying to stuff down through all of the excitement. As I think about it, I can see how that led to my attitude throughout wedding planning.

I am very candid with some people in my life, especially my husband. I find myself saying to him that I can't pretend I am doing the best and that I don't have it figured out. And he has been such an encouragement. He prays with me and for me and finds ways to encourage me and support me. We're both going through so much change (some the same and some very different) in our lives and we're trying to navigate our changes both individually and together. It doesn't help that I have been feeling very spiritually depleted and feeling like I have no energy.

I have been in my Bible more than I ever have in my life but I have been struggling to feel the connection I have had before Covid and the beginning of Covid. But with everything that's happened in response to Covid and the things I have been struggling with health-wise, I constantly find myself asking, "Why? Why does my faith feel so attacked right now since we can't worship in the way we used to? Why is this country in such disarray? Why does my body shut down on me?" I know that there are seasons in our lives where it feels like God has gone "silent" and that's okay. That's when we need to cling onto God and ask Him to "hold on to me" like it says in this song. , I can say that despite how hard this social distancing and mask wearing has been for me, God has greatly blessed me like He had with Job. I met and married my husband during this crazy time. I can see how God is protecting me and using both my husband and I to support each other during this difficult period.

My health isn't what it used to be and it has gotten worse over the last year. The things I used to be able to do last year, such as a 10-mile hike, is not something I can do now. It's been very frustrating to deal with and I have a hard time coming to terms with that. If I push myself too hard, I will more than likely get a massive migraine that will take me out for the rest of the day and possibly make me feel wiped the next day. Even on a good day, I feel tired and headache-y all day no matter how much sleep I get.

I've always had unanswered questions why I feel the way I feel, but never could get the answer. I've been doing what I can so that I can feel more functional than what I'm used to, which is pushing myself to do the every day things I need to do. I've gone gluten free (in addition to being mostly dairy free) and that's helped a little bit, but it has been very discouraging because I can't have the things I enjoyed eating and it takes a lot of energy that I don't really have to make food that I can eat that's good for my body. Even though I am unable to solve the headaches/migraines induced by wearing a mask, I know I can rely on God for the strength and energy I need to get through the day and get the things I need done.

I am even more hopeful now that with better health insurance I can get those answers, which is such a blessing. I look forward to seeing my new doctor and talking with her the long list of symptoms that have been a daily and sporadic battle for me.

Song Reflection: Jehovah Jireh by Hannah Buckner (New Horizons Worship)

I'm changing gears here and thought I'd sprinkle in some Christian songs that hit me pretty hard that I may have cried when I heard and sang them. It doesn't have to be the first time I hear or sing it. It could have been something that I've heard a thousand times growing up and it was just something I needed to hear. With these, I'll include a video from YouTube of either the band playing it or the album cover followed by the lyrics below. Underneath both the video and lyrics, I'll give a reflection and/or anecdote of my life and how it really struck me.

Verse 1

See the flowers in the fields and how they grow

They don't labor, yet You choose to bless them so

As a child, I will learn to do the same

Trusting that You will clothe me in strength

Chorus (x2)

Jehovah Jireh, You are my provider

Verse 2

See the birds of the sky and how they fly

And every need they have, You satisfy

As a child, I will learn to do the same

Trusting that You will clothe me in strength.

(Chorus)

Bridge (x3)

Not today and not tomorrow

I won't worry about a thing

For You provide

(Chorus x2)

Reflection

I grew up with a song called Jehovah Jireh, but it was neither this version nor the same lyrics as the one I am sharing with you. I recently discovered it on Spotify while trying to find the Jehovah Jireh that I used to lead in worship in the church I grew up in. I honestly love it so much more. If you haven't figured it out yet, Jehovah Jireh means "The Lord will provide" in Hebrew. Even though it is such a simple song, it gives three concrete examples of how God provides continuously.

The first example is in the first two lines about flowers and how they grow. If you either live in the Pacific Northwest or heard about it in the news, then you know that there were forest fires that were really intense that caused a lot of damage in August/September. As I drove through one of the affected areas this was happening for the first time, I saw the damage that the fires it had on the trees and the ground. What once was green grass with trees, there were black barren areas. After a week or so later and after it had already rained, I drove in the same area again. I noticed that despite it was black barren earlier there was now grass starting to grow and show. Such a sign of hope and God's provision with just rain! Just like the flowers, He is using the bad in life to help us learn, grow, and feel renewed.

The second example I want to point out is the example of the birds in the second verse. Do you think they worry when their next meal will be or where they live? Of course not. God provides both food and shelter. You can even find that in the Bible by checking out Matthew 6:25-27. He always provides a way but you have to open your eyes to what He is telling you.

The final example is the child repeated in both verses of this song. Children, especially young ones, tend to trust and have faith fairly easily. They trust whoever is raising them to feed them, clothe them, and cherish them. In the Bible, Jesus tells adult believers that they should have the faith of a child's (Matthew 18:2-6). God wants to provide for us and does it perfectly despite our ignorance and pride that blinds us. It's also the sin in this world that makes us not trust people and especially God.

Anecdote

While I was listening to music over my Echo and getting ready to wind down for the day, Jehovah Jireh came on the speaker and I completely broke down in tears. I'm not one to get emotional, but at the time I had been really struggling with receiving disappointing news continuously when it came to finding housing for the next 6 months or so. It wasn't for my lack of trying. As time continued getting closer to needing a new place, the stress and anxiety wore on me, and fear started to settle in. Deep down I knew God would provide for me since He always has, but when you feel so helpless that's when fear knows when to creep in. Hearing Jehovah Jireh was the sign I needed to know that the option I was currently pursuing was the right option. The following weekend I found out that I got approved for an apartment that I'd call home for the next year or so.

I can also pinpoint other times in my life where God provided for me in one way or another throughout my adult life. He's provided me the finances to go to college and not have to take a break for a semester even if it seemed like I was going to need to take a semester off. Working full time at a job I hated throughout college was far from ideal but I am forever grateful for that job because I would not be where I am today if God didn't provide it to me.

Another example is when I moved across the country with nothing lined up. It was by far the hardest decision I have made in my life, but I felt God was calling me to do it for so many reasons. I followed the calling and God continued to protect me and provide for me. Soon after arriving to the Seattle-Tacoma area, I received the job I still work at today as well as a place to live. Despite not being paid very well and attempted multiple times to get a better paying position, I still am grateful I am employed with plenty of work on my plate, especially during a time where employment is a scary situation for so many people.

One last concrete example is during Covid. Like many, I lost a good chunk of income that was helping me pay off my loans. God still provided a way despite having to sacrifice a little bit in order to pay off my loans quickly, which I'm debt-free.

There is so much scripture you can find on how God provides both in His promises and in more concrete ways through those who followed Him. These are just a few passages you can find in the scriptures that show how God will provide:

• Genesis 22:14
• Isaiah 12:2
• Luke 12:22-24
• Philippians 4:6-7
• Philippians 4:19