Even though my daughter managed to get herself stuck on my right side (preventing her from being born) whether out of stubbornness or accident, I've been given some exercises that should get her to move naturally in the position she needs to be so that we can finally meet her. It's only a matter of time before she'll make her appearance and all 3 of us can be home getting rest and plenty of snuggles.
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| First day on the road (WA State) |
This past year we celebrated our first year of marriage. In that year, God has allowed us to refine our family vision that we started talking about when we were dating and figuring out whether the life we hoped to live would match up. Thankfully, our visions were and still are the same. Because family is important to the both of us, we've been listening to God's call and felt his pull to move to Florida.
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| Church with a huge cross in Texas we passed |
We felt like God was calling us to move for many reasons one of those being the atrociously high costs of the Washington housing market. We wouldn't be able to afford buying a home for several years if we stayed and I would have to continue working despite our decision for me to homeschool our children. Florida has the potential for us to not only buy a home, but also build one that is a multi-generational home where we could end up taking care of our parents later in the future but also use our home as a ministry.
Despite knowing this fact, we came to the conclusion that if God is truly calling us to move we would give time for the decision, continue being open to the idea that He wants us to move Florida, and seek counsel from our loved ones and others affected by this decision. Over the course of a year, God has given us some of the biggest signs that would be clear to us that He wants us to continue pursuing this move.
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| Red Cat Café menu board in Birmingham, AL |
With living on the opposite side of the country from my family, it's hard to find affordable plane tickets from Washington to Pennsylvania. If we fly from Florida, it's a third of the cost on plane tickets, which makes it much easier to see my family. For visiting Washington, we can probably make it cheaper for us when Josh's company flies him out and pays for a hotel and car rental for us. All we'd have to pay is for my plane ticket (and "lap child" tax).
One of the other concerns where we thought God might cause a red flag was our jobs. My job I was currently working at the time wouldn't have been a problem, but my new job was more than happy for me to be thinking about moving to the same time zone. It was Josh's job that we weren't sure would be on board with us moving to Florida. It turned out that Josh's company thought the move was beneficial for them since they needed IT presence in the east coast.
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| Made it to Florida! |
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| In front of our new home |
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| The birthing center where our daughter will be born |
2021 was not the year a lot of us were expecting. A lot of us hoped that life would get back to normal, and it did for some and lot of us it didn't. I've been one to never let anything stop me, and I'm grateful that I married someone who is just as determined and stubborn as me in this way. As I think over everything that has happened this year, it feels like it's been one of the longest and one of the shortest years I've lived through. God has blessed me (and, of course, Josh) so much in ways that have truly humbled us. I personally felt like despite everything going against us in this world God has been paving the way He wants us to go and we are following it in faith and confidence. We aren't where I expected us to be but I don't mean that in a bad way at all.
Just Married!
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| Officially married |
It's hard to believe that Josh and I have only been married for just over 9 months because this year felt so long. Our plans for our wedding had changed multiple times because of the restrictions in Washington kept changing. Combine that with having my family fly across the country was such a feat, but against all the challenges Josh and I got married in March through God's providence and strength. Married life has been a learning curve (But when isn't it?), but it has been such a blessing for us and we're grateful that God brought us together. I can't believe that more than 9 months have past since we got married. It felt so quick yet like we've been married for 3 years.
Home
Before getting married, I was living as bare bones as you could possibly think. It wasn't so much out of choice, but because I didn't have money for more than the bare necessities. Through the generosity and gifts of others for our wedding to being diligent about making sure our house needs are filled, our home feels homey and that I don't feel like I am just in boxes ready to move to the next apartment or house.
After we got married, our first priority when it came to our home and lifestyle was to be better stewards with God has given us. We prayed that God will help us find a way where we could be right in the middle of Josh's immediate family and extended family and friends so that we could be generous with our home. This meant increased income for at least one of us, which God provided exactly what we needed. In September, we moved an hour north of where the apartment we lived when we first got married so that we're in the middle of where Josh's family and friends live. It has been an adjustment for us, but we have been learning how to really enjoy our townhouse and the ability to host our home, serve a weekly meal to others, and fellowship with others.
Health
My health has been a roller coaster this year. I struggled with a lot of symptoms for most of the year and have done a lot of experimenting with food and lifestyle. I found that gluten and dairy aren't my friends and cause me to struggle with physical ailments and cause depression and anxiety to occur more often. It also doesn't help that my job can be very mentally draining and stressful for me. I'm taking things one day at a time and I'm in the process of figuring out all of these issues. I still have more to figure out but we're getting closer to finding myself feeling better mentally and physically. I'm relying on God for the strength I need to deal with these issues as I experience them and as I learn more about them.
Career
This year has been a really busy year professionally for me (and Josh as well). I got a great raise that puts me closer to what I should be paid and allows us to save for a house. I've also been taking more of a leadership position in my company. Despite my efforts to find a new job for 6 months after getting married, it was pretty clear that God wanted me to stay where I'm at and see the needs in my company. I've identified them and put together a plan so that my company is aware of the benefits of allowing me to mend the gap. Because I know both sides of the business, I've become a huge support for other coworkers by assisting in a somewhat IT troubleshoot position as well as making sure that their work is done well and on time when extra assistance is necessary.
In addition to this, I've learned a lot of new information and increased my skill set in 3 main areas: IT Support, Project Management, and UX Design. It has made my life a bit chaotic but it has definitely been worth it. I'm looking forward to where all of this will take me for the next 2-5 years (and even after that) that I work in my career before I step away from my position and become a homemaker, which I'm very much looking forward to being.
Travel
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| Cinderella's Castle at Magic Kingdom |
Not only did I travel to the east coast once, I did it again a second time but in a different location. Growing up I've always wanted to go to Disney World and my husband made that dream come true for our honeymoon in June. It also meant that I got to mark Florida as the 28th visited state, and I really enjoyed my time there. Going in June this year was probably the most economical time for the experience we got because they were starting to get back to normal life after Covid. Disney World is so magical and we had a blast spending 5 days running around like kids in an amusement park. I want to go back again, but we'll see when that will happen again.
Heading into 2022
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| Christmas Eve Service |
6 Months of Marriage
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| Ready for the Toby Mac Concert! |
My Health
My health has been a roller coaster for about 9 months to a year. My blood work from the end of June came back mostly normal. It just showed indicators that my adrenal levels are a little higher than they should be. It thought it was from all of the stress that I was dealing with. I also received results from my food test. I am not super sensitive to many foods, but it turns out the two main foods that I tend to be most sensitive to is dairy and brewer's yeast (or beer). I already avoid those in addition to most gluten which has helped.
After receiving the results and finally having time to think over everything, I came to realize the timeline of not feeling well with a medication I started taking right before then. At the beginning of this month, I got off the medication that I was taking for almost a year. Before I was off the medication, I was feeling like I could barely make it through the day despite how much sleep I got and I had to take Ibuprofen or Excedrin every day to keep my headaches or migraines (depending on the day) at bay. I was also dealing with some severe anxiety and some intense nausea on some occasions, too. Within a couple of days off the medication, I started to really feel back to myself. Now I wake up feeling like I got enough sleep unless I went to bed way too late. I rarely have a headache and I haven't had a migraine for almost two weeks. This is a huge answer to prayer and I am so very grateful since this medication gave me some very intense symptoms that was taking a huge toll on my body and mind. I feel like I have my body and mind back. I'm going to enjoy the time I have feeling this way and also continue the gluten-free keto diet that we have been on. I can definitely tell a difference even with that.
Job
I'm still job hunting. It's been a bit frustrating and disheartening since I have been so close to getting an offer at least a handful of times. I'm still doing what I can and I will continue working on getting a better paid job. I decided that I will take a couple of certification courses in the mean time to help assist in the job searching. I'm currently working on project management skills through Google Coursera, where I got my IT Support Specialist Certification. Once I complete that, I plan to get a certification in UX Design, which would marry up all of my skills (instructional design/technical writer, IT, and project management) and mark me as a skilled (more clearly on paper) User Experience Instructional Designer/Technical Writer. I know God will give me the job He needs me to have in His timing. He has been keeping me busy with my current job as an Instructional Designer/Technical Writer at MATC Group, Inc.
Home
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| Our Apartment We Just Moved Out of |
We don't know what the
next year will look like but we talked about plans of what we might do
depending on our finances and the politics in Washington. We are just
continuing to pray and rely on God where He wants us to be. We are
listening to His call wherever that takes us.
He has always provided personally for me in His timing and I see it in our marriage as well.
Overall, I think this summer has been the best summer I ever had despite all my health issues, the difficult job hunting, and the impending move. I'm just grateful I feel better and have health insurance that actually covers medical expenses and for a home that is perfect for us right now. I'm also thankful that I wasn't dealing with it alone and that I still have a job that allows me the flexibility I need right now.
A quick recap of "To the Man Who Broke Me (Part 1)" and "To God Who Restores Me (Part2):"
The girl dated a very narcissistic abusive man who she felt deep in her heart that she shouldn't have. She went through 4 years of hardship as she tried to remove herself from this man who held onto her so tightly. She managed to get away only because the country shut down because of a quarantine.
Through the help of God's guidance and protection, the girl saw a lot of healing happen within herself a year before she was able to remove herself from this abusive man. She was ready for what God wanted her to do next even though the Covid-19 pandemic was only at its start.
Now back to the story. The girl starts her journey into online dating while also making plans to live in a van or save for school. The girl sifts through many profiles of men that are in her age range. She matches with several suitors over the course of 3 months. She goes on a couple of not-so-great dates with one guy who had some commitment issues. The girl feels that she is exhausting her options of Christian men in a 100-mile radius to the point where only 1 new guy would show up every few days.
In early June, she considers deleting the Bumble because it seemed like God was closing that door and she was ready to continue on with the other two options. She decides that she will give herself a couple more weeks of using the app and would stop using it on her 25th birthday at the end of the month.
A couple days before she visits family in early-mid June, she stumbles upon a guy's profile that stuck out to her more than any profile. His love for God, his family and friends, and his hobbies intrigues her, but she thinks he is way out of her league. Yes, she still swipes right thinking, "Well, it won't hurt. He'll probably move on pretty quickly."
A few more days pass and she is looking forward to a beach trip with some childhood friends and seeing her family because it's almost been a year since she has seen them. She flies across the country with her mask on and luggage in hand. After she runs across from one side of the airport to the other to catch her layover, she looks down at her phone out of breath but relieved that she didn't miss her flight to her hometown. She notices that she has a new match on Bumble. It's the man who she thought is out of her league. She takes a shot in the dark and messages him a question that requires some thought but not too much of a curve ball. She gets a response almost immediately so she responds back. Their conversation continues for another 15 minutes until the girl has to put her phone on airplane mode.
The girl's plane lands and she is reunited with her family who she missed dearly. She enjoys her time with her friends at the beach and later with family. The girl continues to get to know the man on Bumble and learns that they have a lot more in common than what is portrayed on his profile as they ask each other questions. The girl feels comfortable and safe enough that this guy is genuine and tells the truth about his life so she agrees to meet with him for a date the day after she returns from her trip.
The 10-day trip feels so short, but the girl is optimistic about the budding relationship that she is forming with this man. Their date is simple but relaxing. It is a walk in a forest along a well-populated trail. As they walk, they share their testimonies and the things that mean the most in their lives. After a long walk, they eat Mexican food at a local authentic restaurant and talk for a few more hours. Both are very hesitant for a couple months to let the other in because of the hurt that both had gone through.
After both trusting in God and continuing to get to know each other, it becomes clear to both the girl and this guy that marriage is definitely in the cards. They continue their relationship for another 2 months before they get engaged to build a stronger foundation as friends since they didn't know each other before Bumble. The man becomes someone the girl can rely and trust on where he takes care of her in a loving and provisional way. She realizes how much God knew the type of man the girl needed after all she has been through.
Their engagement is full of trials. The girl goes through another move but one that is closer to the man's family so that she has people she knows closer to her as she waits and plans their wedding. She goes through so many hoops to figure out their wedding because of Covid and the changing restrictions as well as having family 3,000 miles away. The wedding works out despite all of the changes that the girl and the man who loves her went through. Their wedding is beautiful and unique but most of all Christ-centered.
As life continues, the girl starts seeing the things that she craved for for a long time. The man shows his love in his tender care but also fun-loving personality. He comforts her when she struggles with her health, her failures, and anxiety but always makes sure to bring her back to Christ. He prays with her and over her. He provides her with the stability that she never knew. He also teases her in a loving kind of way...
Everyday life (for me) sometimes has its ups and downs. Some days feel like hills while others feel like valleys or a combination of both, but God is continuously faithful and I can say that with confidence despite all that I went through.
Here's another song reflection that has had a huge impact on me recently and in the past. Underneath both the video and lyrics, I'll give a reflection and/or anecdote of my life and how it really struck me.
Verse 1
Winter has come back againChorus 1
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me
Verse 2
I am the wandering son
Enough is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
Yeah, I'm desperate for grace.
Chorus 2
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Take all of me
Hold on to me
Bridge (x3)
Broke Your heart a thousand times(Chorus 1 x2)
Outro
Winter will come to an end
Soon the season will end
I surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am
When I hear this song, I think of David, the prodigal son, and Job as well as many other Biblical figures who have suffered through some dark times.
Sometimes suffering was caused from their own sin, such as when David's punishment for committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband to cover up their sin. David had gone through so much suffering for that sin. 4 of his sons died, including the baby that Bathsheba had and his son (Absalom) who tried to kill David, because of his sin. In Psalm 51, you can clearly see David's remorse and pain he is suffering from the decisions he made that got him to that point. I can imagine David praying to God to hold onto him and not to let go through all of the fear that he had been going through while hiding from his son who was trying to kill him. Despite how bad the things David did, he is still know as one of the greatest men of God and he was a patriarch in Christ's lineage.
Alright, now for the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). We all know this parable. What has always struck me most about this parable was not that he was wasteful of his inheritance nor how his father welcomed him home and threw a giant party. It was how the prodigal son was so very willing to be his father's servant. Before reuniting with his family, he was pretty much chasing the wind and enough was never enough when it came to what he could do with his inheritance. David sometimes reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son who pretty much throws away everything God has ever blessed him for earthly things. I can see the prodigal son desperate for any kind of grace going to his father pleading for him to not let him fall to his face despite deserving it, and his father (like God with David) still forgives and blesses him.
Then there's Job. He was blameless but he lost everything. He lost his children, home, and wealth. His friends treated him like he sinned against God, which they thought could be the only explanation for his suffering. Job knew he needed God and he held onto God despite his "friends" persecuting him for the things he lost that he had no control over, and this season God had put Job through must have felt like a "winter that won't end." Job had many moments where he asked, "Why me?" One those examples is his physical response of ripping his clothes and shaving his head in sorrow. Despite all of that, Job clung to God and, in the end, God blessed Job immensely more than what he had before.
This song has hit me so many times in my life when things seem tough. It is a constant reminder to me that no matter what happens in your life you need to cling to God, especially during the hard times. I also see the the suffering in some capacity that has happen to David, the prodigal son, and Job.
When it comes to my faith and certain things happening in my life right now, it feels like I am in that winter season that doesn't seem to end. For me, Covid has been such a blessing in so many areas, but it has been wearing on me more and more as the months go by. It was bearable the first few months before I had a new relationship and a wedding to distract me from the emotional, mental, and physical pain I had been trying to stuff down through all of the excitement. As I think about it, I can see how that led to my attitude throughout wedding planning.
I am very candid with some people in my life, especially my husband. I find myself saying to him that I can't pretend I am doing the best and that I don't have it figured out. And he has been such an encouragement. He prays with me and for me and finds ways to encourage me and support me. We're both going through so much change (some the same and some very different) in our lives and we're trying to navigate our changes both individually and together. It doesn't help that I have been feeling very spiritually depleted and feeling like I have no energy.
I have been in my Bible more than I ever have in my life but I have been struggling to feel the connection I have had before Covid and the beginning of Covid. But with everything that's happened in response to Covid and the things I have been struggling with health-wise, I constantly find myself asking, "Why? Why does my faith feel so attacked right now since we can't worship in the way we used to? Why is this country in such disarray? Why does my body shut down on me?" I know that there are seasons in our lives where it feels like God has gone "silent" and that's okay. That's when we need to cling onto God and ask Him to "hold on to me" like it says in this song. , I can say that despite how hard this social distancing and mask wearing has been for me, God has greatly blessed me like He had with Job. I met and married my husband during this crazy time. I can see how God is protecting me and using both my husband and I to support each other during this difficult period.
My health isn't what it used to be and it has gotten worse over the last year. The things I used to be able to do last year, such as a 10-mile hike, is not something I can do now. It's been very frustrating to deal with and I have a hard time coming to terms with that. If I push myself too hard, I will more than likely get a massive migraine that will take me out for the rest of the day and possibly make me feel wiped the next day. Even on a good day, I feel tired and headache-y all day no matter how much sleep I get.
I've always had unanswered questions why I feel the way I feel, but never could get the answer. I've been doing what I can so that I can feel more functional than what I'm used to, which is pushing myself to do the every day things I need to do. I've gone gluten free (in addition to being mostly dairy free) and that's helped a little bit, but it has been very discouraging because I can't have the things I enjoyed eating and it takes a lot of energy that I don't really have to make food that I can eat that's good for my body. Even though I am unable to solve the headaches/migraines induced by wearing a mask, I know I can rely on God for the strength and energy I need to get through the day and get the things I need done.
I am even more hopeful now that with better health insurance I can get those answers, which is such a blessing. I look forward to seeing my new doctor and talking with her the long list of symptoms that have been a daily and sporadic battle for me.
As I was sitting in my chair yesterday, I was reminded by my Facebook memories that yesterday was exactly 1 year from the point where my previous church started live streaming their church service, which they never did before. But, let's back up a couple more days...
On March 13, 2020, Governor Inslee of Washington issued a statewide shutdown for schools and limited gatherings. A couple of days later the entire country followed suit and shut down so that in 15 days the country can flatten the curve. Life as we knew it completely changed. Kids were doing school from home. People were getting laid off, furloughed, losing hours, or working from home. Terms, such as quarantine, mask wearing, and social distancing, became a part of everybody's everyday vocabulary.
For me, the quarantine and Covid 19 completely changed my life. Today, I am reflecting on this past year. This past year was far from the year I was expecting. Like many, my life was completely flipped upside down where I had to figure out a new normal.While I was already working from home with my full time job, I lost both my side jobs (nannying and tutoring) that were giving me additional income that helped me pay my bills...
A year before Covid 19 and the quarantine, I had left a toxic relationship and had gone through a lot of counseling for previous hurt. I was so close to being out of a 10-year depression, but there was the constant reminder of my past that kept me from getting to that point. While attending my previous church, I was struggling with having someone who couldn't get past the idea that he was causing me so much pain and anxiety. It was getting worse right before the quarantine to the point where I was highly considering a restraining order and trying to decide whether that was the right thing to do.
While I was in the process of speaking up to protect myself and deal with this situation, Governor Inslee gave the order to limit gatherings which included churches. While being away from my Christian community was extremely hard, I felt the last of the dark heavy clouds lift because I was no longer dealing with the person making me feel so unsafe in a place that should allow me to feel safe. That was just the start of all the changes in the last year...
The plans I had for the year were completely different than what they became. I was planning to scuba dive more often, start saving up for a car and a trip to Paris, and pay off my student loans by my 25th birthday in June. God had very different plans for me, and they were far better than I could ever imagine. The only thing I did manage in my original plan was become debt free.
The quarantine was not as hard for me as it has been for others even though I pretty much was living alone. I spent a lot of my time doing things I had put off, such as switching over my music to Spotify and creating my own personal digital book library. (My heart goes out to all those who have struggled and continue to struggle with the circumstances.) It was God's way to forcefully slow me down. With working full time and side jobs, it did not give me time outside of working to relax and have fun. Since I had more free time, the quarantine really made me look at my life and see what options I had available to me. I saw 3.
I was all in for all 3 options. I didn't know which one God wanted me to follow or if it was any of these options at all, but I was ready for whatever God wanted for me. If you asked me a year ago where you think I would be now, being married to a wonderful God fearing man would probably have been the farthest idea of where I'd be today. God is so good and really knows how to humble me.
Little did I know that after only having Bumble for less than 3 months I would meet my future husband. I wasn't sure about him at first because he didn't seem to be my type, but I gave him a chance because his love for Christ, his family, and his friends is so evident and we have a lot in common. It became clear very quickly that God wanted us to be together. Our dating life felt like one from the 1950's or 1960's. We spent our time together taking walks, talking faith, going on drives, and telling each other what we hope our future lives to look like. This probably wouldn't have happened had it not been without all the other distractions that would have been around if Covid was not a thing. We got engaged 4 months into dating and married 5 months later on March 13, 2021. Unintentionally, that is exactly one year from the day Governor Inslee started the Covid 19 restrictions.
I'm sure in 5, 10, or 20 years for those of us who remember this will remember the lives we had to get used to because of the quarantine and shut down. For me, I'll be the one to say that I met and married my husband during a pandemic.
A quick recap of "To the Man Who Broke Me (Part 1):"
The girl dated a very narcissistic abusive man who she felt deep in her heart that she shouldn't have. She went through 4 years of hardship as she tried to remove herself from this man who held onto her so tightly. She managed to get away only because the country shut down because of a quarantine.
Now back to the story. We'll back up a little bit before the girl leaves the narcissistic man. Before the girl leaves this man, she takes the leap of faith and relies on God to give her the strength she needs to reach out to those who she deep down knows she can trust. For the first time, she speaks out about struggling with this man and the hardship of the relationship but also trying to hide the urgency of the situation. Within a few months, she starts receiving Christian counseling not for the abuse this man was giving her, but the abuse she dealt with in high school. She finds healing and clarity in the feeling all the suffering. She realizes that Christ has been by her side through all this suffering and she is reminded again of the Romans 5 that brought her to Christ. Every Monday morning is hard for the girl because it meant facing the pain, but the pain lessens over time.
Within 4 months of being in counseling, the girl manages to find a two-bedroom apartment that would accept her income and she hopes to find another single female as a roommate in the process of living there so that she can afford to have a place to stay, eat, and manage to pay off some of her student loans. She removes all her belongings that she deems most valuable to her and completely starts over after leaving the very narcissistic man. She leaves with mostly the items she brought across the country with her because the narcissistic man took all of the stuff that was bought while living in the west coast.
The girl spends the first week or so sleeping on the floor but at least it is carpeted. There is no furniture in the apartment or kitchen utensils yet because she drained out her savings and doesn't have the money to buy those things yet. Through God's grace and mercy and the help of friends, the girl has a bed and low quality kitchen utensils. It isn't much but it is more than the girl could ask for in such a short period of time. God provides for her when she needs it most.
The girl continues to go through counseling another 4 months but not without the narcissistic man coming to her only safe place, her church. She lives on edge when she goes to church and wonders when he'll get the idea that she does not want to be with him or around him anymore. Despite that chaos ensuing from that man, counseling continues and she feels her soul healing and more at peace. She sees the beauty in the brokenness that she had to endure. She sees the lessons she's learned, the wife and mom she wants to be, and the man she would marry if she ever felt capable of letting herself trust someone who could harm her in the same way that man did.
As the situation with the man does not get better, she starts questioning whether she should file a restraining order against the man. In the beginning of March 2020, she decides to file one because it is not out of hatred or fear but out of love and setting boundaries to protect herself, but God stops her short. Right before that happens, the country shuts down and the girl's life is turned upside down as she learns to live life stuck in her home away from the man and society. Despite being cooped up in the apartment for a few months, God uses that time to restore the girl from the anxiety and last bit of the depression she had with the narcissistic man around.
She feels so renewed and restored but with some healing left to go. She reflects on her life and her options as she tries to figure out what is next after life without student loans She doesn't know where God is leading her but she doesn't want to wait around for it to fall in her lap like that man did a few years ago. She looks at what's out there for her and decides that she feels that God is either pointing her to traveling across the country and living in the a van or attempting to go to school again or trying online dating which she was wary about prior to the narcissistic man.
God takes her through the online dating route, which is the most out of the girl's comfort zone. She relies on God to protect her and guide her as she finds the man who loves her like Christ.
The final installment of this 3-Part story is up next: To the Man Who Loves Me.
This is something that I have debated writing about for a long time. I have been explaining this in bits to people. I recently read a blog another woman wrote about the man who broke her, and unfortunately, I had one of those myself. Whenever I explain what happened over those 3 really difficult years, I always downplay how difficult and hard that relationship was. I have been far too silent because I know so many that have been abused and mistreated. My heart aches and empathizes with you all. It truly does suck, but it does get better.
The beginning of this relationship felt like one of those you'd read in a romance novel, and I've read quite a few...
It's the first day of school, college specifically. A girl straight from graduating high school at the ripe age of 19 manages to get into one of the remaining seats right before the start of her first class, English (both her favorite class and her major). She is frustrated with herself but relieved that she just made it to class on time. If she wasn't working so much to pay for college herself, she would have gotten the seat right across the room from her that faced the window that is currently behind her. The seat she wants is occupied by a young man sitting so prim and proper. His appearance looks as if he is young enough for college but his demeanor says otherwise. She also thinks he dresses well and looks somewhat attractive.
Class introductions start and the syllabus is given. The girl leaves anticipating the next class in a couple days. The professor seems really entertaining, loves his job, and knows what he's talking about. As the semester progressed, the girl notices that there were very few people who volunteered for answers. She is one of the few who answered often while another happens to be the male student who sits across from her in the seat she wanted.
On one of the last days of class, the professor uses the opportunity to pair people up for a project. The girl dreads group projects especially with people she doesn't know, and guess who the girl's partner is? The man who sits in the seat that has the perfect view of the window. She grabs her chair and walks across the room with a pen and paper ready to get this assignment done and over with. The assignment: Write a story where the pair take turns writing a paragraph with the only constraints being that it needs to start at the college with two characters. The girl asks the male student who he would rather go first. He says the girl. The girl wonders if this decision is based on the fact of being gentlemanly or because he doesn't know where to start. The girl quickly moves on and has the story she has in mind and starts writing. The professor says "Switch" and she becomes nervous that the male student will ruin her idea of a story as she flips it around and slides it to him. After several times of switching, she looks over the story and realizes how much fun she had with the activity and her story came out to be exactly what she wanted. Before the end of class, the girl and her writing partner exchange niceties and add each other on Facebook. They go their own ways and don't reach out to each other since that assignment.
A year passes by and the girl completely forgets about the man who both stole her window seat and wrote that fun project together. The girl decides to go to her college homecoming dance to spend time with friends and posts her picture on Facebook. When she looks at her notifications a few days later, she sees a name she doesn't recognize in the list of people who liked the photo. She looks the guy up and his name doesn't ring a bell nor does his face, but she's friends with him on Facebook and goes to the same college so she thought nothing of it.
A few days later while working at her minimum wage job she worked to pay off college, she receives a message saying, "Miss. Anderson, I know this may seem weird to hear from me, but I would hope that you would give a fellow classmate of yours a little bit of your time," from the same face and name that she doesn't remember. The girl intrigued contemplates answering but messages very detachedly that she'd be willing to talk to him for a bit because she's nice and really wants to know what he really wants.
She continues messaging this mysterious man because they have a lot in common and seem to have an understanding of each other. She finds out that he is much older than her. 9 years to be exact, and that bothers her quite a bit, and her heart is telling her, "No, this isn't a good idea. There's something off about this guy." She rationalizes and empathizes with this mysterious man because the first several years of his adult life have been marked with just scraping by and then he decided to join the Navy for a full 4-year term. She doesn't listen to what is laying on her heart and shoves it down because this guy says he is a Christian, and they're hard to find these days so she is willing to give the guy a shot. Dating is hard and awkward after all so what she is feeling is more nervousness than anything, right?
They set a date to meet each other at their college when the semester has ended. The girl is embarrassed by the fact that she is going on a date and hides the fact from her family who she is currently living with. Their date was nothing special but she did feel off about the guy and felt like he was taking things too fast. She associated this was just nervousness since she's only dated a close friend before so she was going to give him a second chance. By their second date, he said "I love you" but she couldn't say it back, but continued to go on dates with this man.
As life got tougher at home, the more she got to know this man. By the time her 21st birthday came, she knew she needed to move out because it was definitely time to leave the nest. She tried searching for different options trying not to take the offer from the man she was dating. She couldn't find any and went against what she knew was right because she thought it was the only choice. She paid the price for that decision for almost 3 years.
As their relationship continued, it grew toxic pretty quickly where this man abused her in different ways on a daily basis. She spent most of her time away from home finishing out college and working full time. They both graduated from college almost a year after they moved in together. The man planned to move across the country where he once lived before. The girl was already in a depression and staying in her hometown wasn't helping her so she knew this guy was the only way out. She felt God was calling her to move across the country, but once she moved she can get on her feet and leave this man for good.
She did move across the country with this man. She removed herself away from her family and the support she once had. It took some time to get on her feet. It was about 6 months exact, and she was ready to leave this man who became even more abusive as time went on. She lived her life as if she was stepping on eggshells. She was never enough and will be never enough no matter how much she tried. Then right when she was about to leave, the man found out he had a brain tumor that would blind him if he didn't get it taken out immediately. Without a supportive family, she felt that it was her responsibility to show the love of Jesus and be the rock that this man needed even though she was scared of what he could do to her if she stayed much longer. The surgical procedure was supposed to be much easier than how it actually happened. It would only be a day, but when things went wrong it ended up being 3 weeks of living in a hospital. The girl became this man's second nurse while working remotely full time and sleeping on a cot in the same room as his hospital bed.
With the support of the girl and medical help, the man was able to go home eventually but not without complications. The man dealt with sciatica pain and became even more abusive to the girl he was so dependent on. The girl pitied the man and cared for him for almost a year before she finally had the courage to leave him, but he didn't want to give her up after she turned his proposal down as a way to manipulate her. He followed her to her one safe place, her church, where he attended for almost a year until the Covid-19 quarantine happened.
The girl was not the same as she was before she entered the relationship. She felt so beaten and worn from all the mental, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse he gave her. She knew she couldn't heal on her own, but there was hope. Her hope and strength were in God...
The healing process for me happened much quicker than I expected, but it took so much digging in deep and fighting off the anxiety, depression, and fears I was dealing with. There is still healing yet to come. I can see and identify my scars both good and bad. I honestly have God to thank for that because if it wasn't for Him I wouldn't be where I am now. Read Part 2 for "To God Who Restored Me."
My mistakes were plenteous in my relationship with this man who broke me in so many ways...
1. I should have listened to what God was telling me in my heart versus letting my empathy and rationalization get in the way before entering into this relationship.
2. I should have confided in family and friends before I actually went on my first date with this guy. Instead of him encouraging me to keep my relationships with my family intact, he tried to rip me apart from my family with the mistakes they were making.
3. I should have been more mindful and watchful because his actions very much said otherwise of being a professed Christian.
4. I should have spoken up about the problems I was having outside of this relationship. It would have been hard but it would have been the best thing to do.
Something that I've had to really wrestle with throughout my adult life was feeling like I deserved love. I had this really dysfunctional view of how love worked. What it came to be was, "It's okay if I am treated like garbage, but I'll do what I can to love on you without complaint. But, I can't expect or let people love on me." I was also pretty isolated as a teenager because a large majority of my peers in school treated me really poorly so I spent a lot of time alone in the school library and other places I deemed safe. It was also a large reason why my first relationship didn't work out and why my second relationship was so very dysfunctional and draining.
And here's a secret about me that you may not know...I am a perfectionist. Well, I guess it's not a secret if you've had some sort of encounter with me. I struggle leaving things without them being complete in a condition that is equal or better than when I first encountered them. Combine that with the fact that I wasn't treated very well by my peers and that's a recipe for someone who struggles to both love who they are and let others love on them. For me, it led to an almost 10-year depression that I recently just got out of with a lot of work put in. I thought it was too much to ask and selfish for even wanting to be loved.
Through a lot of scripture reading, meditation, and fellowship with friends, I saw the transformation from feeling undeserving of love to realizing how wrong I was. What I realized is so simple and juvenile that it makes me feel silly for missing it. You are deserving of love not because of your own worth or works. It is only because God loves you so much that He sent His son who He loved unconditionally (and was the only one truly deserving of love) to Earth and gave His life to any and all who choose to trust in Him. That to me gives me such an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. Once I came to this realization, it transformed the way I saw how all relationships should look like.
This seems so easy to understand yet I have moments where I struggle with this. I can be pretty apprehensive when someone offers to love on me, even my own fiance, but I am humbled every time and realize that there are people who love and care for me. The more I accept this the more my heart becomes softer and more grateful for the things God has blessed me with.
Here are just a few passages of what the Bible says about love and the commands we are given:
I'm changing gears here and thought I'd sprinkle in some Christian songs that hit me pretty hard that I may have cried when I heard and sang them. It doesn't have to be the first time I hear or sing it. It could have been something that I've heard a thousand times growing up and it was just something I needed to hear. With these, I'll include a video from YouTube of either the band playing it or the album cover followed by the lyrics below. Underneath both the video and lyrics, I'll give a reflection and/or anecdote of my life and how it really struck me.
Verse 1
See the flowers in the fields and how they grow
They don't labor, yet You choose to bless them so
As a child, I will learn to do the same
Trusting that You will clothe me in strength
Chorus (x2)
Jehovah Jireh, You are my provider
Verse 2
See the birds of the sky and how they fly
And every need they have, You satisfy
As a child, I will learn to do the same
Trusting that You will clothe me in strength.
(Chorus)
Bridge (x3)
Not today and not tomorrow
I won't worry about a thing
For You provide
(Chorus x2)
I grew up with a song called Jehovah Jireh, but it was neither this version nor the same lyrics as the one I am sharing with you. I recently discovered it on Spotify while trying to find the Jehovah Jireh that I used to lead in worship in the church I grew up in. I honestly love it so much more. If you haven't figured it out yet, Jehovah Jireh means "The Lord will provide" in Hebrew. Even though it is such a simple song, it gives three concrete examples of how God provides continuously.
The first example is in the first two lines about flowers and how they grow. If you either live in the Pacific Northwest or heard about it in the news, then you know that there were forest fires that were really intense that caused a lot of damage in August/September. As I drove through one of the affected areas this was happening for the first time, I saw the damage that the fires it had on the trees and the ground. What once was green grass with trees, there were black barren areas. After a week or so later and after it had already rained, I drove in the same area again. I noticed that despite it was black barren earlier there was now grass starting to grow and show. Such a sign of hope and God's provision with just rain! Just like the flowers, He is using the bad in life to help us learn, grow, and feel renewed.
The second example I want to point out is the example of the birds in the second verse. Do you think they worry when their next meal will be or where they live? Of course not. God provides both food and shelter. You can even find that in the Bible by checking out Matthew 6:25-27. He always provides a way but you have to open your eyes to what He is telling you.
The final example is the child repeated in both verses of this song. Children, especially young ones, tend to trust and have faith fairly easily. They trust whoever is raising them to feed them, clothe them, and cherish them. In the Bible, Jesus tells adult believers that they should have the faith of a child's (Matthew 18:2-6). God wants to provide for us and does it perfectly despite our ignorance and pride that blinds us. It's also the sin in this world that makes us not trust people and especially God.
While I was listening to music over my Echo and getting ready to wind down for the day, Jehovah Jireh came on the speaker and I completely broke down in tears. I'm not one to get emotional, but at the time I had been really struggling with receiving disappointing news continuously when it came to finding housing for the next 6 months or so. It wasn't for my lack of trying. As time continued getting closer to needing a new place, the stress and anxiety wore on me, and fear started to settle in. Deep down I knew God would provide for me since He always has, but when you feel so helpless that's when fear knows when to creep in. Hearing Jehovah Jireh was the sign I needed to know that the option I was currently pursuing was the right option. The following weekend I found out that I got approved for an apartment that I'd call home for the next year or so.
I can also pinpoint other times in my life where God provided for me in one way or another throughout my adult life. He's provided me the finances to go to college and not have to take a break for a semester even if it seemed like I was going to need to take a semester off. Working full time at a job I hated throughout college was far from ideal but I am forever grateful for that job because I would not be where I am today if God didn't provide it to me.
Another example is when I moved across the country with nothing lined up. It was by far the hardest decision I have made in my life, but I felt God was calling me to do it for so many reasons. I followed the calling and God continued to protect me and provide for me. Soon after arriving to the Seattle-Tacoma area, I received the job I still work at today as well as a place to live. Despite not being paid very well and attempted multiple times to get a better paying position, I still am grateful I am employed with plenty of work on my plate, especially during a time where employment is a scary situation for so many people.
One last concrete example is during Covid. Like many, I lost a good chunk of income that was helping me pay off my loans. God still provided a way despite having to sacrifice a little bit in order to pay off my loans quickly, which I'm debt-free.
There is so much scripture you can find on how God provides both in His promises and in more concrete ways through those who followed Him. These are just a few passages you can find in the scriptures that show how God will provide:
I didn't think I'd actually make it and almost returned home when things got super tough, but I still trusted God to give me the strength and wisdom to find the job, housing, and support I needed to get to this point in my life. This is the first anniversary of this life change decision where I truly see the fruits of this decision, and I've only seen it in the last six months. It took me almost 3 years to get to this point.
…finding something to smile about every day.