This is something that I have debated writing about for a long time. I have been explaining this in bits to people. I recently read a blog another woman wrote about the man who broke her, and unfortunately, I had one of those myself. Whenever I explain what happened over those 3 really difficult years, I always downplay how difficult and hard that relationship was. I have been far too silent because I know so many that have been abused and mistreated. My heart aches and empathizes with you all. It truly does suck, but it does get better.
The beginning of this relationship felt like one of those you'd read in a romance novel, and I've read quite a few...
It's the first day of school, college specifically. A girl straight from graduating high school at the ripe age of 19 manages to get into one of the remaining seats right before the start of her first class, English (both her favorite class and her major). She is frustrated with herself but relieved that she just made it to class on time. If she wasn't working so much to pay for college herself, she would have gotten the seat right across the room from her that faced the window that is currently behind her. The seat she wants is occupied by a young man sitting so prim and proper. His appearance looks as if he is young enough for college but his demeanor says otherwise. She also thinks he dresses well and looks somewhat attractive.
Class introductions start and the syllabus is given. The girl leaves anticipating the next class in a couple days. The professor seems really entertaining, loves his job, and knows what he's talking about. As the semester progressed, the girl notices that there were very few people who volunteered for answers. She is one of the few who answered often while another happens to be the male student who sits across from her in the seat she wanted.
On one of the last days of class, the professor uses the opportunity to pair people up for a project. The girl dreads group projects especially with people she doesn't know, and guess who the girl's partner is? The man who sits in the seat that has the perfect view of the window. She grabs her chair and walks across the room with a pen and paper ready to get this assignment done and over with. The assignment: Write a story where the pair take turns writing a paragraph with the only constraints being that it needs to start at the college with two characters. The girl asks the male student who he would rather go first. He says the girl. The girl wonders if this decision is based on the fact of being gentlemanly or because he doesn't know where to start. The girl quickly moves on and has the story she has in mind and starts writing. The professor says "Switch" and she becomes nervous that the male student will ruin her idea of a story as she flips it around and slides it to him. After several times of switching, she looks over the story and realizes how much fun she had with the activity and her story came out to be exactly what she wanted. Before the end of class, the girl and her writing partner exchange niceties and add each other on Facebook. They go their own ways and don't reach out to each other since that assignment.
A year passes by and the girl completely forgets about the man who both stole her window seat and wrote that fun project together. The girl decides to go to her college homecoming dance to spend time with friends and posts her picture on Facebook. When she looks at her notifications a few days later, she sees a name she doesn't recognize in the list of people who liked the photo. She looks the guy up and his name doesn't ring a bell nor does his face, but she's friends with him on Facebook and goes to the same college so she thought nothing of it.
A few days later while working at her minimum wage job she worked to pay off college, she receives a message saying, "Miss. Anderson, I know this may seem weird to hear from me, but I would hope that you would give a fellow classmate of yours a little bit of your time," from the same face and name that she doesn't remember. The girl intrigued contemplates answering but messages very detachedly that she'd be willing to talk to him for a bit because she's nice and really wants to know what he really wants.
She continues messaging this mysterious man because they have a lot in common and seem to have an understanding of each other. She finds out that he is much older than her. 9 years to be exact, and that bothers her quite a bit, and her heart is telling her, "No, this isn't a good idea. There's something off about this guy." She rationalizes and empathizes with this mysterious man because the first several years of his adult life have been marked with just scraping by and then he decided to join the Navy for a full 4-year term. She doesn't listen to what is laying on her heart and shoves it down because this guy says he is a Christian, and they're hard to find these days so she is willing to give the guy a shot. Dating is hard and awkward after all so what she is feeling is more nervousness than anything, right?
They set a date to meet each other at their college when the semester has ended. The girl is embarrassed by the fact that she is going on a date and hides the fact from her family who she is currently living with. Their date was nothing special but she did feel off about the guy and felt like he was taking things too fast. She associated this was just nervousness since she's only dated a close friend before so she was going to give him a second chance. By their second date, he said "I love you" but she couldn't say it back, but continued to go on dates with this man.
As life got tougher at home, the more she got to know this man. By the time her 21st birthday came, she knew she needed to move out because it was definitely time to leave the nest. She tried searching for different options trying not to take the offer from the man she was dating. She couldn't find any and went against what she knew was right because she thought it was the only choice. She paid the price for that decision for almost 3 years.
As their relationship continued, it grew toxic pretty quickly where this man abused her in different ways on a daily basis. She spent most of her time away from home finishing out college and working full time. They both graduated from college almost a year after they moved in together. The man planned to move across the country where he once lived before. The girl was already in a depression and staying in her hometown wasn't helping her so she knew this guy was the only way out. She felt God was calling her to move across the country, but once she moved she can get on her feet and leave this man for good.
She did move across the country with this man. She removed herself away from her family and the support she once had. It took some time to get on her feet. It was about 6 months exact, and she was ready to leave this man who became even more abusive as time went on. She lived her life as if she was stepping on eggshells. She was never enough and will be never enough no matter how much she tried. Then right when she was about to leave, the man found out he had a brain tumor that would blind him if he didn't get it taken out immediately. Without a supportive family, she felt that it was her responsibility to show the love of Jesus and be the rock that this man needed even though she was scared of what he could do to her if she stayed much longer. The surgical procedure was supposed to be much easier than how it actually happened. It would only be a day, but when things went wrong it ended up being 3 weeks of living in a hospital. The girl became this man's second nurse while working remotely full time and sleeping on a cot in the same room as his hospital bed.
With the support of the girl and medical help, the man was able to go home eventually but not without complications. The man dealt with sciatica pain and became even more abusive to the girl he was so dependent on. The girl pitied the man and cared for him for almost a year before she finally had the courage to leave him, but he didn't want to give her up after she turned his proposal down as a way to manipulate her. He followed her to her one safe place, her church, where he attended for almost a year until the Covid-19 quarantine happened.
The girl was not the same as she was before she entered the relationship. She felt so beaten and worn from all the mental, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse he gave her. She knew she couldn't heal on her own, but there was hope. Her hope and strength were in God...
The healing process for me happened much quicker than I expected, but it took so much digging in deep and fighting off the anxiety, depression, and fears I was dealing with. There is still healing yet to come. I can see and identify my scars both good and bad. I honestly have God to thank for that because if it wasn't for Him I wouldn't be where I am now. Read Part 2 for "To God Who Restored Me."
My mistakes were plenteous in my relationship with this man who broke me in so many ways...
1. I should have listened to what God was telling me in my heart versus letting my empathy and rationalization get in the way before entering into this relationship.
2. I should have confided in family and friends before I actually went on my first date with this guy. Instead of him encouraging me to keep my relationships with my family intact, he tried to rip me apart from my family with the mistakes they were making.
3. I should have been more mindful and watchful because his actions very much said otherwise of being a professed Christian.
4. I should have spoken up about the problems I was having outside of this relationship. It would have been hard but it would have been the best thing to do.
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