Mental Health Week: My Mental Health the Past Several Years Until Recently (October 2019)

I’ve been wanting to write a post about this for a while now. Before I get into the nitty-gritty of it all, I want to say the last thing I want from anyone is pity or to get attention.

People have always told me I am mysterious, which has been intentional. I’ve kept everyone at arms-length: friends, family, and acquaintances. I’m an extremely complicated person. But, isn’t everyone else? This writing is in a sense an explanation and an apology to my family and friends I have in Pennsylvania who thought my move to Washington was so abrupt.

My mental health the past 9 or so years has been extremely low, and at some points so was my physical health. For those of you who have gotten to know me in any capacity, know
that I tend to be a very positive bubbly person who is willing to help when someone is in need. It’s not an act. That’s who I am, but it’s only one side of me. I have used this part of my personality as a coping mechanism for a long time to act as if nothing was wrong in my life. I was hiding some serious issues that I was struggling with on my own for several years. Recently, I’ve been really open about the struggles I have dealt with. And I am ready to share with you my story and how I got to where I am now. I know that a lot of you will be shocked when you read this, but I won’t go into very much detail.

Here’s some background information…People who really know me know that I really struggled being in the public school system. I love to learn and care about what I was learning and the decisions I was making for my future. Other students acted like it was a complete joke. I didn’t feel very challenged in school so I was always reading a book everywhere and all the time. I remember my dad saying one day in the car on the way to my high school, “It’s like books are your boyfriends.” In a sense, it’s true. It was a rare occasion not to see a book in my hands, or at least in arm’s reach. People in school also noticed that I didn’t have a boyfriend (at least until my senior year of high school but we also lived an hour away from each other), which was intentional on my part and I was content with being single. I also dressed very modestly as I do even today.

After I had lost a good amount of weight before I started high school, I noticed how popular I was becoming. It wasn’t the good kind of popular though. I started seeing a change in the way male peers treated me. I wasn't bullied so much about my weight anymore like the girls did in middle school, but it still was about my body. I became sexually abused by multiple guys on a daily basis. I don’t know if it was because it was the reasons I listed above or if they were just being cruel, but it extremely affected my life for the past 9 years.

The sexual abuse started out as lewd comments that made me feel extremely uncomfortable in my freshman and sophomore year, and then it led to more physical attacks. Soon after I started my junior year, I was getting smacked around and I couldn’t go to a school dance without being surrounded by my male peers and being danced on top of inappropriately. I was living in fear every day.

I tried everything I could to keep myself as safe as possible even if it meant I had to isolate myself from others. I spent almost all my lunches in the library reading (I was only allowed there during lunch because I was the library club president) or the guidance office to do the yearbook. I didn’t go to parties or football games. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to remove myself completely from further abuse. I was stuck with one of my abusers as a chemistry partner my entire junior year. I had told my teacher the situation and all I got was laughed in my face and told, “Oh, he just likes you.”

Despite thinking being on the last roster for homecoming court my senior year was a joke on me, I still went to the game and managed to get stuck with another one of my abusers as I walked down the field. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t regret going because I represented my class as their Homecoming Princess, which is by far one of the most humbling experiences I have had, but it still made me feel very exposed. I went to prom both junior and senior years and ended up regretting that because I felt like I was reliving all those memories of past dances. My high school graduation was extremely stressful for me. While people cried because they were going to miss high school, I cried in secret because I had survived what was hell for me. During the ceremony, I tried very hard and managed not to pass out from all the anxiety and claustrophobia I dealt with as well as a wicked migraine that followed once the ceremony was over.

Because of all that I dealt with in high school, I was so full of shame and guilt for things I didn’t do. I developed anxiety, claustrophobia, and depression. I managed to cope properly through some of the anxiety and claustrophobia while I was in college, but the damage was still pretty deep and I didn’t know who to turn to so I threw myself into as much school and work I could possibly do to numb the pain I was dealing with. In the end, my health suffered. I barely slept or ate and always felt on edge. Eventually, I gained almost all the weight I had lost before I started high school soon after graduating from college.

Living in my hometown was difficult because I waited on people who were either my abusers or they reminded me of them. I was falling deeper into the pit of depression and needed to do something about it, but I didn’t know what so I thought a fresh start would really help. I traveled across the country to the state of Washington. That helped a great deal but it wasn’t until I went through months of counseling with my church here in Washington for a good part of this past year. I have been given the tools to work through what I have dealt with. I am rarely anxious now and I am finally getting out of the depression I was in for 9 long years. I am not living in the shell of myself, and I feel like I am living my life as I should have been. I am no longer ashamed of the abuse I dealt with and it doesn’t define who I am. I am no longer a victim but I am a stronger person because of it, and I will advocate and support any woman who is struggling with any kind of abuse or depression and anxiety.

My door is always open if you need to chat. I don't recommend dealing with it alone. 

With that, my high school class is having their 5-year reunion this November, but right now I don’t think I am ready to face all the possible people that have abused me while I was in school. If I end up seeing one of those men when I visit family and friends at some point, I will keep being the positive and bubbly person I am but I’ll probably keep my distance.

Mother's Day Tribute to a Warrior of a Woman

I decided to write this on Mother's Day because I thought it to be the most appropriate. I believe that I grew up in a family that would be identified as warriors in this time and age. We do hard things and we don’t give up when times are tough. It seems that people always mention my dad’s side of the family being warriors because there are so many more than my mom always had. I have always seen that my dad’s side as having more visible ways of showing our warrior qualities but not intentionally because that’s how we all grew up. We learned to have integrity, be respectful, rise above any challenge, and love the Lord in all we do. When I think of a warrior, my first thought is always my mom. She is what I call a “silent warrior.” She is shy and very soft-spoken who loves to serve and be there for you when you need someone to talk to, but she has this silent strength that not many people see in her.

I know that Mother’s Day is one of the happiest and saddest days for my mom. It is one of the happiest days because she has three children who she adores. But, also the saddest because she hasn’t gotten to spend this day with her own mother for the past 31 years. I see the picture of my maternal grandmother, who I have never met, every year that she shares on Facebook wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day. I can’t imagine life without my mom so I can’t imagine how she feels on Mother’s Day. My heart aches for her.

My mom has so much strength she hides through her quiet and loving personality that people don’t realize what a warrior she truly is. Over the years, I have heard her testimony in different snippets of my life. I am in awe of the love and trust she has for the Lord despite everything she’s been through her entire life. I have been through some difficult things in my life, but when I see my mother or think about her, I realize that she has been through much more difficult circumstances and still follows the Lord faithfully today. She is one of my heroes that I look up to in life.

I am not at liberty to tell her testimony, but I would love to be by her side when she shares it with others because despite all she has been through she is the kindest most giving person you can meet. I know that my mother started to really learn how to be strong, courageous, and love the Lord with all her heart through the short 16 years my mother got to spend with her mother. My maternal grandmother had such an impact on her life that my mom had decided that her first daughter would be named after her mother, which is the reason why my name is Marilyn. Sometimes I think about how much weight my name carries to my family, especially to my mother, so I try to carry it with as much integrity, respect, perseverance, and love for the Lord that both my mother and maternal grandmother have. It is extremely humbling that I was given such a name of high importance for someone who is very close to me. I would have loved to meet and get to know my mother’s mother, but I know this life is temporary and there is something so much greater waiting for me where both my mother and grandmother will be waiting for me with open arms.

My mom around 7 or 8 with her mother, Marilyn, and grandmother, Marion.

One of the many things in common that my mom and I enjoy is playing the violin. This was after one of my high school string concerts.

It always seems that my mom is the happiest when she has a little baby in her arms. This picture is when my little sister was a newborn, which is one of my favorite pictures of my mother. 

The Importance of Self-Care

Self-care is something that is rarely discussed in the Christian community. I think that’s because of the keyword “self” is often seen as selfishness, which is against the basis of living a Christ-like life. I don’t believe that’s the case. I believe that self-care is the opposite of selfish; it is Christ-like as long as you don’t take it too far.

First off, we need to define self-care to better understand what it means. Self-care is the time you set aside and actions you take in order to take of yourself. It affects everything in your life from your physical health to your view on life and others. Self-care allows you to have better stress and anxiety management and makes you feel good overall. Self-care is something that should refuel you, not take away from you. It is so important for us to take care of our bodies because we are made to glorify God in every part of our life. It is far too easy to neglect self-care. Without self-care, or taking care of yourself, you can't serve others in your life to the best of your ability. 

Let me illustrate what that means.

Self-care is

…eating a nice giant healthy bowl of fruit or salad rather the junk food because it makes your body feel healthy and good.

…doing that workout even though you really don’t want to because it makes your body healthy and feels good.

…finding something to laugh about every day.

…finding something to smile about every day.

…taking the time to read a chapter of a book every day.

...taking that bubble bath even though you might think it's only something a kid would do.

…loving on everyone you see because hating on people doesn’t make you feel good in the long run.

…going to bed and getting up at reasonable times so that you're feeling refreshed and good throughout the day.

...spending time with the people you love. 

…learning when the right time to say “No.”

…going to the doctor and dentist regularly and not putting aside the smallest health issue.
....remove yourself from people who not good for your health.

...writing in a journal or creating videos daily, if that works for you.

…learning to apply makeup even if your lifestyle doesn’t require it. (Ladies)

…meeting with brothers and sisters in Christ who can lift you up in prayer and fellowship because we aren’t made to do life alone.

…setting aside time for a quiet time in daily devotion.

But most of all, self-care is continuously pursuing your relationship with Christ!

As you can see now, self-care is not bad whatsoever; it is actually good. But with any good thing, you can take things too far which can turn it into a bad thing. So go start your own self-care regimen!

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul." - 3 John 1:2