Something that I've had to really wrestle with throughout my adult life was feeling like I deserved love. I had this really dysfunctional view of how love worked. What it came to be was, "It's okay if I am treated like garbage, but I'll do what I can to love on you without complaint. But, I can't expect or let people love on me." I was also pretty isolated as a teenager because a large majority of my peers in school treated me really poorly so I spent a lot of time alone in the school library and other places I deemed safe. It was also a large reason why my first relationship didn't work out and why my second relationship was so very dysfunctional and draining.
And here's a secret about me that you may not know...I am a perfectionist. Well, I guess it's not a secret if you've had some sort of encounter with me. I struggle leaving things without them being complete in a condition that is equal or better than when I first encountered them. Combine that with the fact that I wasn't treated very well by my peers and that's a recipe for someone who struggles to both love who they are and let others love on them. For me, it led to an almost 10-year depression that I recently just got out of with a lot of work put in. I thought it was too much to ask and selfish for even wanting to be loved.
Through a lot of scripture reading, meditation, and fellowship with friends, I saw the transformation from feeling undeserving of love to realizing how wrong I was. What I realized is so simple and juvenile that it makes me feel silly for missing it. You are deserving of love not because of your own worth or works. It is only because God loves you so much that He sent His son who He loved unconditionally (and was the only one truly deserving of love) to Earth and gave His life to any and all who choose to trust in Him. That to me gives me such an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. Once I came to this realization, it transformed the way I saw how all relationships should look like.
This seems so easy to understand yet I have moments where I struggle with this. I can be pretty apprehensive when someone offers to love on me, even my own fiance, but I am humbled every time and realize that there are people who love and care for me. The more I accept this the more my heart becomes softer and more grateful for the things God has blessed me with.
Here are just a few passages of what the Bible says about love and the commands we are given:
- John 3:16
- John 13:34-35
- Romans 12:9
- Galatians 2:20
- 1 John 4:8
