His Plan is Always Perfect

As if this year has been not been hard for us already, God decided that we needed to be stretched more.

It has been a very busy summer (and then fall) for us. A lot has happened since I last posted in June, but I'll back up a little more to fill in some gaps before I get into the meat. This will get a bit science and health related. If you're not interested, feel free to skip to the section titled His Plan is Always Perfect. I think my PCOS friends might appreciate the findings I have in hopes that they can find healing as well. I am no doctor, but I'll always advocate for healthier living.

Listening, Reflecting, and Researching Health

The day before I found out I was pregnant in April before my latest loss, I heard someone share their experiences with their fertility struggles and how one of the tests they took was a gluten related test as they shared their testimony. That made me think of how my diet was before I was pregnant with Hailey and the start of my pregnancy with her. Before Hailey, I was struggling with some health concerns through my entire engagement and first 9 months of marriage with Josh, which is why I went gluten free. I figured out the partial cause of the biggest health concerns and thought that I resolved them about 6 months before I got pregnant with Hailey. I still stayed gluten free for a good portion of Hailey's pregnancy. It wasn't until I was encouraged to eat a little bit more when it comes to carbs and then after she was born that I stopped being gluten free. 

I'm not saying that being on gluten was the cause of both my miscarriages nor am I blaming myself for either, but going gluten free has been a healthier lifestyle that has made me feel better. A lot of people don't realize that when you become gluten free, it takes gluten about a month or so to have it completely removed from of your system. You might feel better but underlying issues might still be seen. Unfortunately, if this was at all a cause or factor in my miscarriage, I found out too late.

After my miscarriage in early June, we worked with a fertility clinic to make sure everything with our genes aren't the problem. Thankfully, I carry no genes that would cause miscarriages (which also meant Josh was in the clear) but we didn't get too many answers other than that. While going through testing, I kept reading and watching information about people with PCOS symptoms and how it's becoming more common with little known reason for why more women are dealing with these issues. After research, I learned that more recently it was understood that PCOS has been showing more of an insulin resistance response, which continued to prove my theory that gluten can be the cause of my infertility lately. I also follow a couple where the husband who helped reverse the wife's PCOS through cooking her meals that were gluten free and dairy free. Now they have 2 beautiful daughters, which is very inspiring. Although I am not dairy free yet, I already noticed going gluten free started reversing some previous pre-pregnancy symptoms that were even better than before Hailey so it made me think that I should be treating my body like it deals with PCOS symptoms.

His Plan is Always Perfect

If you stuck with me through the research rabbit trail and discoveries I made in the summer, I'm glad you stuck around. However, if you skipped ahead to here, I'm still glad you stayed because you get to hear what's been happening lately. There is still a little bit of medical talk but it's important to this part of the story.

The rest of the summer was pretty busy with working with a fertility clinic (mentioned in the last paragraph of the section above) and seeing things checking out in the event that there is a cause genetically. After checking all the boxes and given a clean bill of health in the genetic department on my side, the plan was for me to do a hybrid IUI treatment, which was daily blood thinner injections and then progesterone supplementation once I was pregnant. Although the daily blood thinner injections seemed uncomfortable, I was willing to go through it because we feel like God has been calling us to grow our family.

We were told that we'd start treatment once my next cycle started but I ended up finding out I was pregnant again before that at the beginning of September. Thankfully, we skipped the pre-pregnancy blood thinner injections (to provide more blood flow to the baby) and went straight into it along with a high dosage of progesterone supplementation because my body definitely needs help with progesterone.

Unfortunately, 3 days before finding out we were pregnant, Josh's company told him that they were laying him off and he would be unemployed at the start of November, which means we would also lose our health insurance at the end of November. It was definitely a lot of mixed feelings for both of us. Fear. Excitement. Frustration. Joy. The timing for both to happen at the same time weren't great, especially since we were expecting to have my sister living with us a few weeks later, but we were trusting that God will take care of all of us.

But God used both our situations to support each other. While I struggled with doubts that this baby will make it, Josh made sure to continuously encourage me and support me with the extra maintenance it required to give this baby the best chance it could have. While Josh grappled job loss and feeling betrayed by the company he supported for over 6 years, I was able to reassure him that God has something much better planned as he was already considering job hunting for the last 6 months.

We were purposely looking for the blessings amongst what felt like chaos. Melanie has been a blessing to have around as she has been really great at helping around the house but especially helpful loving on Hailey when I struggle with the energy to do very much since I've been on a high progesterone dosage. At around 6 weeks, we confirmed that there was an embryo. At around 7-8 weeks, we heard the heartbeat (bringing me nearly to tears) but we knew we weren't out of the woods yet, but having that heartbeat was a HUGE milestone for us.

I'll be officially 14 weeks on Monday, which means we made it to the second trimester! I've already graduated from the blood thinner injections and I have been working on weaning my body off the progesterone and should be off it completely in the beginning of December. I'm slowly getting energy back and look forward to feeling more normal. We also got to see our baby again a few days ago because he/she is great at playing hide and seek and refused to allow the midwives to get his/her heartbeat. This little one made us laugh because he/she is just as wiggly as much (if not more) than Hailey was. Plus, he/she has an obsession with his/her hands like big sister.

Soon after we heard the heartbeat, I ordered this onesie as the going home onesie for this little one. I felt it was the most appropriate because although this year has been hard for us and we may not know why we're going through everything that we have, God's plan is perfect and He deserves all the glory here.

This little one should be joining our crew in May 2025.

Lifting Up Lamentations

What is Lamenting?

Lament: A prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion

Lamenting is not something talked about very much in the church despite there being an entire book in the Bible called Lamentations. I've grown up in the church and I don't even think I've ever done a sermon series in Lamentations. Job lamented. David lamented. Even Jesus lamented.

It has always felt like lamenting is not something that's seen as acceptable in the Church because it's often seen as not trusting God. I've even heard similar things said in the Christian community. I think to a certain level that's true but it's dangerous to not bring that pain, sorrow, and confusion to God even if it means tear stains on your cheeks. There have been points in my life in the past where lamenting would have been the healing I needed instead of feeling like I had to bottle up the sorrow, pain, and confusion because it felt like people would see it as not trusting God.

Lifting Up Lamentations

For me, I didn't truly understand lamenting until the past couple of months...

We found out in the first week of April that I was pregnant again. We weren't sure how far along I was, but we called the birthing center immediately since I had a miscarriage only 3 months prior. I was neither scared nor excited. I don't know exactly how to describe how I was feeling but I was very much erring on the side of caution, especially since this pregnancy felt off to me from the beginning. I guess you could call it mother's intuition.

We got a few orders of bloodwork, an ultrasound, and an appointment. Before our appointment, my bloodwork showed that my progesterone was low, which is often an indicator that I could miscarry. Without knowing what my progesterone was like in the initial pregnancies with both Hailey and my last miscarriage, we believed it was possible that my body normally functions on low progesterone and needed a little assistance of progesterone supplementation.

We were told that a recurrent miscarriage is also unlikely because most people tend to have a healthy pregnancy even after having a miscarriage, and I know many in that boat. Unfortunately, I was not.

Throughout all of April and May, I'd get a call from the midwives about 1-3 times a week updating me about the bloodwork or ultrasound results. Thankfully, I had about a half hour jump on seeing the results so I had time to prepare for their expert opinion. The best news I ever got was neutral and that didn't happen very often, and being asked if I feel pregnancy symptoms was honestly devastating, especially since this pregnancy had been pretty brutal on me from the beginning this time around. I knew the answer to the question and I was sad to admit that I was feeling less pregnant as each day went by.

Of course, I'd get these calls at the beginning of the work day so I've had to quickly learn how to let the news sink in, update Josh, and then lament in prayer before having to join a work meeting 10 minutes to an hour after finding out the news and acting like everything is going great.

The prayer I distinctly remember most and repeated often was, "I don't know why I'm going through this heartbreak again, but I know ultimately this child is Yours and I am a steward of this soul until you take him or her home. I will do everything to care and love on this child well while he or she is in my care." It was very freeing and helped me go through the grieving process this time around. I felt prepared for what was to come next whatever that ended up being.

After about 8 weeks of this new routine and seeing the obvious signs in my fourth/final ultrasound that our baby hasn't grown since the previous ultrasound a week prior, I knew what news the midwife would share over Memorial Day weekend. I was going to most likely lose my baby soon after getting off the progesterone supplementation I was on for 6 weeks. I chose to miscarry naturally and miscarried this baby a little over a week later. Instead of dwelling what I couldn't change or control, I focused my energy on what I currently had in the moment: God, my husband, my daughter, my church, and my job.

Healing from Another Loss

Although I'm sad I won't meet this baby on Earth as well, I'm grateful for the peace and comfort God has given me in this valley. For those who knew about this loss, we've felt very supported even though not much can really make this better other than prayer for healing. Even though I've had to fight off questions/statements blaming myself internally for not being able to carry these babies, I know I have done everything I possibly could to steward them well during my time with them. It's a daily reminder as I know God has a purpose for both losses and I don't know why yet, but I'm open to what He has in store for me and my family.

Pretty recently, Josh and I have become youth leaders at our church (Who thought that was a good idea?) But we seriously love it and can see the impact we're already having in just a few months. In my last small group time with my 7th and 8th grade girls, I have been able to explain lamenting (without sharing my own current circumstances) when I was asked a hard question from one of my youth girls about why bad things happen in this world. I gave them reasons why, but felt lead to explain that God wants you to bring up the things that cause pain, sadness, or confusion to Him. I told them that it's called lamenting and that's totally okay. I could tell there was some comfort and understanding in the room that God is right there with them no matter what they go through and I hope they take that simple explanation and apply that in their lives.

Before I finish off I wanted to add a song (and a picture below) that was sung as the last worship song about an hour before I got the official news from the midwife that this baby will most likely pass. Although tears rolled down my face (thankfully it was dark in the sanctuary during worship so few can see) while we sang this, it gave me a lot of comfort with the promises God has for me and my family as He has already so much for me so far.

After posting this on my blog and not sharing the link right away (it just didn't feel like it was time yet), we saw a double rainbow on the way home from the beach later this month (first one I've seen in a long while) and it was such a comfort. As God has shown Noah the rainbow as a promise, it felt like this double rainbow was very intentional and is a promise to me that He has everything under control and that I can trust in Him.

Walking Alongside Grief

It's been over a year since I've last posted and it's because it has been a crazy full year. I've finally had time off from work where I didn't have anything going on since maternity leave in January last year. As I've shared this before, I use this space to write what's on my mind, what God has been teaching me, and to help me sort out what I'm going through at the current time.

Unexpected Loss

Right now I'm/we're in a season of grieving while trying to find the joys through the grief.

A day after Hailey's first birthday, we found out that we were expecting our second. We were excited and looked forward to adding to our family in August 2024. We scheduled my first prenatal appointment at the birthing center (where we had Hailey) for early January once we returned from Washington after the holidays.

Fast forward a few weeks later, I was about 8 weeks so I was pretty safe since having a miscarriage was at a 1.5% chance. I was very much looking forward to getting out of my first trimester, which was the hardest part for me with Hailey's pregnancy. My heart hurt for those who had a miscarriage, but I never thought that miscarriage would happen to me (especially after having Hailey who was my first pregnancy) until it did. A couple days into our Washington trip, I knew something wasn't right and I ended up going to the ER for a few hours as I went through the worst of it. When I got the diagnosis, I was told that "You did all the right things, but these things just happen." Knowing this did little to stop the hurting in my heart and mind as I left the ER.

Despite how awful this experience was, I thank God the process of losing our baby was fast because I know some people have to endure through this process for a couple of weeks. I thank God for Josh's family who was able to take Hailey to the Christmas Eve service while we focused on taking care of my health. I'm thankful for the few family and friends who knew about what was going on and have been by our side (in person and virtually) making sure I was okay in those first few days (and beyond). I'm thankful God distracted me in the initial few weeks where He helped me stay busy caring for a sick Hailey the first week and working until both Josh and I can take off work at the same. I'm thankful that God gave us the entire week last week together to relax and process our grief appropriately.

Grieving in a Season of Joy

Since having the miscarriage, my body has bounced back pretty quickly and I have been fairly okay with keeping it together, only when I'm prepared to hear or see it. About 16 hours after I had my miscarriage, the Christmas Eve celebrations started and I knew staying back wouldn't be good for my mental health albeit a little tired and out of it. The ER doctor told us we could go but beware of any symptoms. At one of the gatherings, I knew that I'd see two very pregnant women at a family Christmas party, but I managed to keep it together and was able to have really uplifting conversations with them while sharing the joy they have coming their way as children are truly the best gifts from God.

Grief hits me like a train when I least expect it. Now that the holidays are over and normal life can start again, we tried to get back to what has become previously routine for us. One of those things is our Tuesday night Bible Study, and it's full of married couples in their 20's and 30's. As you would guess, many of these couples have kids while there are some that don't. It's been a really supportive group and we have enjoyed being plugged in. In typical fashion, before starting the material, we share prayer requests. We sat next to our church's pastor who leads our group so that meant we would go first, which I think was no coincidence. I felt the Lord prompting me not to share the news of losing our baby over Christmas break, and I think it was because the couple next to us needed the space to share that they were expecting their second and were about 12 weeks (I would've been about 1 week shy of that with our second). I sat in my chair for maybe 15-30 seconds trying to hold it together before I realized I was going to burst into tears. So before the tears came, I quickly and quietly got up from my chair and made it to the bathroom so I can allow myself the space I needed to grieve.

After Bible Study was over and before I left the building, I apologized to the mom for walking out after she just shared their great news. About 5 minutes later, another mom found out the news while Josh, her husband, and I were talking. She shared that she had gone through multiple miscarriages (but has healthy beautiful kids herself) in the past and noticed that I apologized for walking out and told me that I shouldn't be sorry for allowing myself to grieve during a time where people expect joy.

Don't get me wrong. I am finding joy in the grief and sorrow, but I'm learning it's okay to grieve and the balance between grief and joy in this season. I'm excited and joyful for the friends who are having healthy pregnancies as I know quite a few mommas-to-be, and I don't want people to be afraid to share their joy with me. Just don't be surprised if I need a few minutes to myself as I give myself the space to grieve even if I remove my presence for those few minutes. I'll come back and be genuinely excited for you as I talk to you about your baby.

Bringing Awareness for Those who Miscarry

As someone who has gone through grief in different stages of my life, I think there isn't enough awareness on how to handle this kind of loss and there doesn't seem to be a safe enough space to share this, which is why I think women quietly suffer in their loss while trying to protect others in the process. I think a lot of people don't know how to respond and say, "I'm sorry for your loss." I'm guilty of that or just being silent. Now coming from the other side of it, it personally hurts more sometimes to hear this because I feel bad for sharing what I'm going through and now I wish I protected you from my grief. 

In those moments, sometimes it's that hug, phone call, a meal offered, or time away from daily life (such as talking over coffee/tea), but it's especially Godly wisdom that needs to be reiterated, that helps heal that pain. I think it comes down to helping the woman know that they are seen and not focus on what they lost but help them see life's blessings while also still not forgetting that little one.

A Month of Walking Alongside Grief

Most of my days have been good, but I do have some where I am feeling grief's rollercoaster. It's forced me to learn how to allow others to know what I'm going through so that they can support me in this season. As our church is doing a sermon series on how we're anchored for eternity, it reminded me of the tattoo I have on my ankle that says, "You are the anchor for my soul" (Hebrews 6:19). It's a great reminder that Christ continues to ground me to this day even though this tattoo is 9 or 10 years old. Because of knowing this, I won't let grief swallow me like it has in the past or distract myself so I never face it and it ends up buried. I am walking alongside it instead as I allow God to guide me and heal my heart and mind.

December 23rd will probably be a hard day for me for a while, but I know I will never forget this baby that we never got to meet and will share one day with Hailey and any other future children we have that they have a brother or sister with the Lord watching over us until God chooses when we're to go home.

I also know God is using this for good even though it doesn't feel like it right now. God will probably call me to be that friend who offers that hug, chat over coffee/tea, a meal, and/or Godly wisdom when someone shares hard news with me. But right now, I'll allow my heart and mind to heal.

Here's a song that came on Spotify pretty recently that has stuck out to me and has brought me some peace during this season of grieving. It feels very fitting since it sounds like a lullaby you would sing a baby to sleep.