Here's another song reflection that has had a huge impact on me recently and in the past. Underneath both the video and lyrics, I'll give a reflection and/or anecdote of my life and how it really struck me.
Verse 1
Winter has come back againFeels like the season won't end
My faith is tired tonight
And I won't try to pretend
I've got it all figured out
That I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah I need You now.
Chorus 1
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me
Verse 2
I am the wandering son
Enough is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
Yeah, I'm desperate for grace.
Chorus 2
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Take all of me
Hold on to me
Bridge (x3)
Broke Your heart a thousand timesBut You've never left my side
You have always been here
For me
You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go
(Chorus 1 x2)
Outro
Winter will come to an end
Soon the season will end
I surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am
Biblical Reflection
When I hear this song, I think of David, the prodigal son, and Job as well as many other Biblical figures who have suffered through some dark times.
Sometimes suffering was caused from their own sin, such as when David's punishment for committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband to cover up their sin. David had gone through so much suffering for that sin. 4 of his sons died, including the baby that Bathsheba had and his son (Absalom) who tried to kill David, because of his sin. In Psalm 51, you can clearly see David's remorse and pain he is suffering from the decisions he made that got him to that point. I can imagine David praying to God to hold onto him and not to let go through all of the fear that he had been going through while hiding from his son who was trying to kill him. Despite how bad the things David did, he is still know as one of the greatest men of God and he was a patriarch in Christ's lineage.
Alright, now for the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). We all know this parable. What has always struck me most about this parable was not that he was wasteful of his inheritance nor how his father welcomed him home and threw a giant party. It was how the prodigal son was so very willing to be his father's servant. Before reuniting with his family, he was pretty much chasing the wind and enough was never enough when it came to what he could do with his inheritance. David sometimes reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son who pretty much throws away everything God has ever blessed him for earthly things. I can see the prodigal son desperate for any kind of grace going to his father pleading for him to not let him fall to his face despite deserving it, and his father (like God with David) still forgives and blesses him.
Then there's Job. He was blameless but he lost everything. He lost his children, home, and wealth. His friends treated him like he sinned against God, which they thought could be the only explanation for his suffering. Job knew he needed God and he held onto God despite his "friends" persecuting him for the things he lost that he had no control over, and this season God had put Job through must have felt like a "winter that won't end." Job had many moments where he asked, "Why me?" One those examples is his physical response of ripping his clothes and shaving his head in sorrow. Despite all of that, Job clung to God and, in the end, God blessed Job immensely more than what he had before.
Anecdote
This song has hit me so many times in my life when things seem tough. It is a constant reminder to me that no matter what happens in your life you need to cling to God, especially during the hard times. I also see the the suffering in some capacity that has happen to David, the prodigal son, and Job.
When it comes to my faith and certain things happening in my life right now, it feels like I am in that winter season that doesn't seem to end. For me, Covid has been such a blessing in so many areas, but it has been wearing on me more and more as the months go by. It was bearable the first few months before I had a new relationship and a wedding to distract me from the emotional, mental, and physical pain I had been trying to stuff down through all of the excitement. As I think about it, I can see how that led to my attitude throughout wedding planning.
I am very candid with some people in my life, especially my husband. I find myself saying to him that I can't pretend I am doing the best and that I don't have it figured out. And he has been such an encouragement. He prays with me and for me and finds ways to encourage me and support me. We're both going through so much change (some the same and some very different) in our lives and we're trying to navigate our changes both individually and together. It doesn't help that I have been feeling very spiritually depleted and feeling like I have no energy.
I have been in my Bible more than I ever have in my life but I have been struggling to feel the connection I have had before Covid and the beginning of Covid. But with everything that's happened in response to Covid and the things I have been struggling with health-wise, I constantly find myself asking, "Why? Why does my faith feel so attacked right now since we can't worship in the way we used to? Why is this country in such disarray? Why does my body shut down on me?" I know that there are seasons in our lives where it feels like God has gone "silent" and that's okay. That's when we need to cling onto God and ask Him to "hold on to me" like it says in this song. , I can say that despite how hard this social distancing and mask wearing has been for me, God has greatly blessed me like He had with Job. I met and married my husband during this crazy time. I can see how God is protecting me and using both my husband and I to support each other during this difficult period.
My health isn't what it used to be and it has gotten worse over the last year. The things I used to be able to do last year, such as a 10-mile hike, is not something I can do now. It's been very frustrating to deal with and I have a hard time coming to terms with that. If I push myself too hard, I will more than likely get a massive migraine that will take me out for the rest of the day and possibly make me feel wiped the next day. Even on a good day, I feel tired and headache-y all day no matter how much sleep I get.
I've always had unanswered questions why I feel the way I feel, but never could get the answer. I've been doing what I can so that I can feel more functional than what I'm used to, which is pushing myself to do the every day things I need to do. I've gone gluten free (in addition to being mostly dairy free) and that's helped a little bit, but it has been very discouraging because I can't have the things I enjoyed eating and it takes a lot of energy that I don't really have to make food that I can eat that's good for my body. Even though I am unable to solve the headaches/migraines induced by wearing a mask, I know I can rely on God for the strength and energy I need to get through the day and get the things I need done.
I am even more hopeful now that with better health insurance I can get those answers, which is such a blessing. I look forward to seeing my new doctor and talking with her the long list of symptoms that have been a daily and sporadic battle for me.
