Even though my daughter managed to get herself stuck on my right side (preventing her from being born) whether out of stubbornness or accident, I've been given some exercises that should get her to move naturally in the position she needs to be so that we can finally meet her. It's only a matter of time before she'll make her appearance and all 3 of us can be home getting rest and plenty of snuggles.
I thought modern medicine (that I'm currently allowed to take being pregnant) would be fitting for today because yesterday I woke up what I thought was a cold, but it turned out to be the flu by the afternoon. I also hit 39 weeks in my pregnancy so it wasn't the most opportune time for me to get the flu since I can go into labor at any point.
Although I was very achy and weak with a fever and a pounding headache yesterday, I was able to eventually get the sleep I need and control some of the symptoms so that I feel a million times better today. I can tell baby was also conserving energy, too, since she was being less active and allowing me to get the rest I needed in order for me to gain the energy I'll need to deliver her. I can tell my body is still a little tired from working hard to fight off this illness, but I'm grateful that I was able to break my fever overnight and the worst of the symptoms have gone away.
I have a feeling that I'll feel almost back to my normal self by the end of the weekend and I think baby will follow suit in being ready to make her appearance not too long after that.
I love you, Mel! Thanks for being the sister I never knew I needed in my life.
I'm excited to see where life takes you next as I've seen some really big life changes you've made this year. It's been a joy watching you pursue something you're really passionate about this past year and figuring out how you plan to make it work. I look forward to seeing you pursue your dream of international business and making the strides to get there.
I love you, Sambo! Thanks for being the brother you are, and I know you will be an awesome uncle to my daughter. You get the favorite uncle award by default, but I think it'll be pretty clear that she'll love you very much since you're good with kids and know how to make everyone around you laugh and have a good time.
I love you, Dad! Thanks for being a great dad and mentor. Just like mom, I wouldn't have turned out to be the person I am without you.
I discovered Discovery Church almost immediately after moving and we have been so encouraged and challenged by the pastors' teachings. We happened to start attending the first week they were "advertising" their groups to allow others to get connected, which was definitely something we both prayed we'd find in the church. Because I was already in my third trimester, it was important for me to get connected more quickly so I was able to join an evening women's Bible study group. The study we just finished has continued to be encouragement to me and allow me to feel more prepared for being a mom soon since it reaffirmed how God made women special with very specific roles that fit His purposes. We look forward to each Sunday and what the Lord uses in these messages to teach us more about Him.
She's one of my best friends after I started living on my own. I enjoy all of the conversations we have and the photos of the funny cats she sends. I look forward to having her visit and getting to meet her granddaughter as we share the joys of being mothers together.
I love you, Momma! Thanks for being a great mom and friend. I wouldn't have turned out to be the person I am without you.
Even when I'm down or not feeling like myself, he sees what he could do to help me feel better or more comfortable. He encourages me in my faith, relationships, and work. He laughs along with me and handles my sass with grace and more jokes.
Whether we're home working remotely, watching something on our tv, traveling somewhere, or going out to try out a new restaurant in the area, every day seems like an adventure. It's hard to imagine life without him by my side now, and I'm excited to start a new adventure together as parents to our little girl we're eagerly waiting to arrive in these last few days.
God taught me through Esther the joys of being spontaneous and what a true friend is. When we both lived in Washington, we spent many nights past 2am driving to the local 24/7 Mexican drive thru and parking near the local park where we talked about everything in life. That included our desires to be wives and mothers and what we think that would look like. Fast forward a couple of years and the both of us get to walk those stages of life together. Even though we're a couple of states away, we continue to stay in touch and try to be a support each other. As I'm days away from welcoming my little Hailey, I'm blessed that I get to watch Esther grow into the mother she dreamed of being as she loves on her sweet little newborn daughter.
Once life as moms settles down for us, I look forward to reuniting with her and having our daughters play with each other. I look forward to the laughs we'll have, the things we'll do together, and teach our daughters along the way.
Hope you have a happy birthday today! Love you, girly!
I feel like I've tried doing this multiple times and just have not had success being able to finish through to the end of the month. I feel like it's more possible this month but also a little daunting while I spend time writing this during the last few days of my pregnancy and first days as being a mom. As I feel the signs of labor coming in the next days or weeks, I've been definitely feeling a lot more rush of emotions of gratitude, peace, and excitement.
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| First day on the road (WA State) |
This past year we celebrated our first year of marriage. In that year, God has allowed us to refine our family vision that we started talking about when we were dating and figuring out whether the life we hoped to live would match up. Thankfully, our visions were and still are the same. Because family is important to the both of us, we've been listening to God's call and felt his pull to move to Florida.
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| Church with a huge cross in Texas we passed |
We felt like God was calling us to move for many reasons one of those being the atrociously high costs of the Washington housing market. We wouldn't be able to afford buying a home for several years if we stayed and I would have to continue working despite our decision for me to homeschool our children. Florida has the potential for us to not only buy a home, but also build one that is a multi-generational home where we could end up taking care of our parents later in the future but also use our home as a ministry.
Despite knowing this fact, we came to the conclusion that if God is truly calling us to move we would give time for the decision, continue being open to the idea that He wants us to move Florida, and seek counsel from our loved ones and others affected by this decision. Over the course of a year, God has given us some of the biggest signs that would be clear to us that He wants us to continue pursuing this move.
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| Red Cat Café menu board in Birmingham, AL |
With living on the opposite side of the country from my family, it's hard to find affordable plane tickets from Washington to Pennsylvania. If we fly from Florida, it's a third of the cost on plane tickets, which makes it much easier to see my family. For visiting Washington, we can probably make it cheaper for us when Josh's company flies him out and pays for a hotel and car rental for us. All we'd have to pay is for my plane ticket (and "lap child" tax).
One of the other concerns where we thought God might cause a red flag was our jobs. My job I was currently working at the time wouldn't have been a problem, but my new job was more than happy for me to be thinking about moving to the same time zone. It was Josh's job that we weren't sure would be on board with us moving to Florida. It turned out that Josh's company thought the move was beneficial for them since they needed IT presence in the east coast.
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| Made it to Florida! |
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| In front of our new home |
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| The birthing center where our daughter will be born |
Golden Birthday (n.) - The birthday on which the numeral of one's age matches that of the day of the month. Example: Age 27 on June 27th
I only found out about a year ago that a golden birthday is a thing. You may think it's silly and it kind of is, but it really seems like it's going to be a golden year for me. I'm 27 today on the 27th and I'm thankful for the life God gave me.
Last year I wrote that I didn't feel any different than the year before, but this year I have to say I definitely do feel different. It could be all the pregnancy hormones and changes happening to my body. I may feel exhausted mentally and physically by the end of the day but my spirit feels rejuvenated. I think part of this could be from all the changes going on in both of Josh and my life.
Working for a new company has been a blessing and a challenge. Powering through in my first trimester while starting a new job has not been the most fun, but God really has provided for us and has paved the way for our future plans. My company is very good about promoting a life-work balance that allows me to focus on my health and making sure I get the rest and care I need. I also found out not too long ago that I'll be able to spend 11 weeks of paid time off with our baby, which is something I wouldn't have had working at my previous company. We're making plans for family visits and adjusting to life during the time I'll have available.
Our little bean is halfway to making his or her appearance since I'll be officially 20 weeks on Thursday. This pregnancy has been both fast and slow. We look forward to every appointment. This little one is very active and likes to remind me once in a while that they're still in there. It's funny watching my midwife trying to measure the baby's heart beat while the baby is moving around as if it knows that we're trying to check in on it. Josh and I are excited to find out whether our baby will be a boy or girl on July 6th.
Over the past month, we've been packing boxes and getting rid of furniture that we won't need right away and plan to replace eventually as we prepare for our cross country move. It's bittersweet for us. We'll miss our friends and family in Washington, but we know Florida is where God wants us to go and how we can provide a better future for our families. We also managed to buy our bed upgrade that we planned on buying so that we have a guest bed, and we'll have that delivered to us within our first week of living in our new place.
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| We're excited soon-to-be parents |
I've always wanted to be a mom and I thought I'd be a mom in my early 20s, but God has used the time where I didn't have to worry about caring for a pregnant body or children by loving on those around me and being able to get in a good position financially. God has provided for us so well in so many ways.
Josh and I wanted to wait about a year after being married before we consider having a baby, especially with my health not being great before and during the first 6 months of marriage.
We figured out part of the reason why my health went south a bit, but it was still a surprise for this little baby to come as soon as we thought. I was told by my doctor not too long ago that I show signs of having PCOS. She said there isn't a cure for it but getting pregnant and having a baby can help correct the problem. We were expecting this baby to show up much later, but God's timing with this is amazing.
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| Our little Player 3's first outfit |
I felt like God somehow allowed us to have a child exactly when He knew it will work well for us. I was a little nervous when I found out because I'm just starting to work at this company and I'd have to reveal this information, but I didn't need to worry. He used this new job (that I have waited for and interviewed for almost 3 years) to provide me with the perfect work-life balance I need while we start our family and save for a few years to build our home. Hyland will allow me the flexibility to work and raise our baby at the same time. While my previous company didn't offer paid maternity leave or options that will ease me back into work, my new company offers 10 weeks of maternity leave automatically and it doesn't matter how long I've worked at there and then I have the option to ease into work by working less than 40 hours but still see a full paycheck. They're also family oriented and I have seen multiple coworkers have children jump into their Zoom calls. Josh and I will still be working from home in Florida so we can raise our baby in a way that works for us and not feel guilty about choosing to live this lifestyle. I've already been thinking of ideas on how to work on this.
Josh and I look forward to this new chapter in our lives and how God is continuously teaching us new things every day.
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| Josh and I at the Grand Canyon at 12 Weeks Pregnant |
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| Cutting the Cake at Our Wedding |
I'm amazed at what God has done in our lives both separately and as a married unit. God has truly blessed the both of us and I'm so very grateful. There has been so much change this year that it makes it hard to believe where I was a year ago, but heading into our second year warrants even more changes. I'll keep these changes brief.
Home
I've seen my home go from having just enough to get by to having the ability to share my home with others. Josh and I have almost weekly game nights with friends where I make a meal and we play games to encourage friends while things were still a bit locked down here in Washington. It has been a joy to be able to do that as we get to know others better.
Over the course of my relationship with Josh, we have really honed in on our family vision and have been making plans based on this family vision. After almost losing my dad last month, it became very clear to us to continue with our plans so that we can be better servants to my family back in Pennsylvania. We are planning to move to Florida in the middle to end of August right before our lease ends. In a couple of years, we plan to buy land and build a multi-generational house so that we can share our home with our own family, visitors, and any family that we may have to take care of in the future. This was definitely not an easy decision but God kept pushing us to this
decision and then giving us all the green lights for this plan after we started to commit to the idea. We are excited and, of course, a little anxious (the good kind) but very much preparing for these really big plans God has laid on our hearts.
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| TobyMac Concert at the Puyallup Fair |
My health around the time I met Josh was probably the lowest I've felt in my life. I struggled with daily migraines and constant fatigue while trying to function like a normal adult and planning a wedding. Through personal research and a good doctor, I rarely have migraines and I have more energy than I've had in the past. I take some natural supplements to help me with stress/anxiety and vitamins my body lacks. I also found out that I can't eat gluten. I'm still not fully there with my health but we got the major hurdles out of the way. I still have days where I struggle but we think we know why now and it's a matter of figuring out what works best for me.
Career
I feel like both Josh and my careers have really taken off this year. Josh got a generous pay increase this past summer that puts him where he should get paid in the IT industry with his experience. Many of you know that I have been job searching and interviewing on and off for about 3 years. I'm happy to finally announce that I have been hired to become an Instructional Designer II at a software company called Hyland. I'm excited about this job because not only does it use all the skills and certifications I received in the last year but it also increases my income within the Instructional Design industry standards. The increases in our salaries will help us with continuing our family vision in a much quicker fashion while also allowing us to continue serving within the community around us.
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| Trying Out Our New Kayak |
Even though this past year was a huge year of change, this next year is going to probably involve even more change starting with a new job for me this week. In the next year, I see myself health-wise getting closer to normal. I see some joyous times and hard times because of the future changes we will see in our lives, but we are confident in that God is protecting us and leading us where we need to go.
2021 was not the year a lot of us were expecting. A lot of us hoped that life would get back to normal, and it did for some and lot of us it didn't. I've been one to never let anything stop me, and I'm grateful that I married someone who is just as determined and stubborn as me in this way. As I think over everything that has happened this year, it feels like it's been one of the longest and one of the shortest years I've lived through. God has blessed me (and, of course, Josh) so much in ways that have truly humbled us. I personally felt like despite everything going against us in this world God has been paving the way He wants us to go and we are following it in faith and confidence. We aren't where I expected us to be but I don't mean that in a bad way at all.
Just Married!
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| Officially married |
It's hard to believe that Josh and I have only been married for just over 9 months because this year felt so long. Our plans for our wedding had changed multiple times because of the restrictions in Washington kept changing. Combine that with having my family fly across the country was such a feat, but against all the challenges Josh and I got married in March through God's providence and strength. Married life has been a learning curve (But when isn't it?), but it has been such a blessing for us and we're grateful that God brought us together. I can't believe that more than 9 months have past since we got married. It felt so quick yet like we've been married for 3 years.
Home
Before getting married, I was living as bare bones as you could possibly think. It wasn't so much out of choice, but because I didn't have money for more than the bare necessities. Through the generosity and gifts of others for our wedding to being diligent about making sure our house needs are filled, our home feels homey and that I don't feel like I am just in boxes ready to move to the next apartment or house.
After we got married, our first priority when it came to our home and lifestyle was to be better stewards with God has given us. We prayed that God will help us find a way where we could be right in the middle of Josh's immediate family and extended family and friends so that we could be generous with our home. This meant increased income for at least one of us, which God provided exactly what we needed. In September, we moved an hour north of where the apartment we lived when we first got married so that we're in the middle of where Josh's family and friends live. It has been an adjustment for us, but we have been learning how to really enjoy our townhouse and the ability to host our home, serve a weekly meal to others, and fellowship with others.
Health
My health has been a roller coaster this year. I struggled with a lot of symptoms for most of the year and have done a lot of experimenting with food and lifestyle. I found that gluten and dairy aren't my friends and cause me to struggle with physical ailments and cause depression and anxiety to occur more often. It also doesn't help that my job can be very mentally draining and stressful for me. I'm taking things one day at a time and I'm in the process of figuring out all of these issues. I still have more to figure out but we're getting closer to finding myself feeling better mentally and physically. I'm relying on God for the strength I need to deal with these issues as I experience them and as I learn more about them.
Career
This year has been a really busy year professionally for me (and Josh as well). I got a great raise that puts me closer to what I should be paid and allows us to save for a house. I've also been taking more of a leadership position in my company. Despite my efforts to find a new job for 6 months after getting married, it was pretty clear that God wanted me to stay where I'm at and see the needs in my company. I've identified them and put together a plan so that my company is aware of the benefits of allowing me to mend the gap. Because I know both sides of the business, I've become a huge support for other coworkers by assisting in a somewhat IT troubleshoot position as well as making sure that their work is done well and on time when extra assistance is necessary.
In addition to this, I've learned a lot of new information and increased my skill set in 3 main areas: IT Support, Project Management, and UX Design. It has made my life a bit chaotic but it has definitely been worth it. I'm looking forward to where all of this will take me for the next 2-5 years (and even after that) that I work in my career before I step away from my position and become a homemaker, which I'm very much looking forward to being.
Travel
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| Cinderella's Castle at Magic Kingdom |
Not only did I travel to the east coast once, I did it again a second time but in a different location. Growing up I've always wanted to go to Disney World and my husband made that dream come true for our honeymoon in June. It also meant that I got to mark Florida as the 28th visited state, and I really enjoyed my time there. Going in June this year was probably the most economical time for the experience we got because they were starting to get back to normal life after Covid. Disney World is so magical and we had a blast spending 5 days running around like kids in an amusement park. I want to go back again, but we'll see when that will happen again.
Heading into 2022
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| Christmas Eve Service |
6 Months of Marriage
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| Ready for the Toby Mac Concert! |
My Health
My health has been a roller coaster for about 9 months to a year. My blood work from the end of June came back mostly normal. It just showed indicators that my adrenal levels are a little higher than they should be. It thought it was from all of the stress that I was dealing with. I also received results from my food test. I am not super sensitive to many foods, but it turns out the two main foods that I tend to be most sensitive to is dairy and brewer's yeast (or beer). I already avoid those in addition to most gluten which has helped.
After receiving the results and finally having time to think over everything, I came to realize the timeline of not feeling well with a medication I started taking right before then. At the beginning of this month, I got off the medication that I was taking for almost a year. Before I was off the medication, I was feeling like I could barely make it through the day despite how much sleep I got and I had to take Ibuprofen or Excedrin every day to keep my headaches or migraines (depending on the day) at bay. I was also dealing with some severe anxiety and some intense nausea on some occasions, too. Within a couple of days off the medication, I started to really feel back to myself. Now I wake up feeling like I got enough sleep unless I went to bed way too late. I rarely have a headache and I haven't had a migraine for almost two weeks. This is a huge answer to prayer and I am so very grateful since this medication gave me some very intense symptoms that was taking a huge toll on my body and mind. I feel like I have my body and mind back. I'm going to enjoy the time I have feeling this way and also continue the gluten-free keto diet that we have been on. I can definitely tell a difference even with that.
Job
I'm still job hunting. It's been a bit frustrating and disheartening since I have been so close to getting an offer at least a handful of times. I'm still doing what I can and I will continue working on getting a better paid job. I decided that I will take a couple of certification courses in the mean time to help assist in the job searching. I'm currently working on project management skills through Google Coursera, where I got my IT Support Specialist Certification. Once I complete that, I plan to get a certification in UX Design, which would marry up all of my skills (instructional design/technical writer, IT, and project management) and mark me as a skilled (more clearly on paper) User Experience Instructional Designer/Technical Writer. I know God will give me the job He needs me to have in His timing. He has been keeping me busy with my current job as an Instructional Designer/Technical Writer at MATC Group, Inc.
Home
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| Our Apartment We Just Moved Out of |
We don't know what the
next year will look like but we talked about plans of what we might do
depending on our finances and the politics in Washington. We are just
continuing to pray and rely on God where He wants us to be. We are
listening to His call wherever that takes us.
He has always provided personally for me in His timing and I see it in our marriage as well.
Overall, I think this summer has been the best summer I ever had despite all my health issues, the difficult job hunting, and the impending move. I'm just grateful I feel better and have health insurance that actually covers medical expenses and for a home that is perfect for us right now. I'm also thankful that I wasn't dealing with it alone and that I still have a job that allows me the flexibility I need right now.
Another year has past for me. I'm no longer 25 but I don't feel any different other than the fact that it has definitely been the best year of my life so far despite how challenging this year has been. If you'd asked me last year on my 25th birthday if I see myself where I am today, I'd probably laugh and say, "I'll probably be debt free and just doing what I can to enjoy the life I God gave me." Little did I know that the guy I went on two dates with at the time would be my husband almost 9 months later. This has been a year full of hills, valleys, and valleys in the hills. It has been the year of lots of positive changes.
At the beginning of 2020 (before Covid), I had a list of goals I wanted to accomplish. I didn't end up going to Hawaii or go scuba diving or travel around the country in a rigged up van. But the one goal I accomplished was paying off my loans. I believe this is really the only goal I accomplished even though I decided to wait to pay it off until the end of the year because the interest rate was frozen. I at least got that down.
I moved again this past year, which has been my 6th or 7th move in 5 years. I'm starting to lose count and I'm hoping that this trend of moving around isn't going to be a thing very soon. I've got furniture I like now so that's an additional motivator. I've also had 3 groups of friends move away in a matter of a month, which was hard to see, but it's good to see them doing so well. I think this was a driving force that God gave me to trust in Josh because I don't trust men very easily.
The most significant blessing and change that has happened to me is that I married Josh. I was pretty much close to burn out from constantly fighting to make ends meet. After Josh and his family came into my life, I started noticing so many positive changes in my life. It also didn't take long for all of us to be on the same page and know that we're a really great fit. We decided that we weren't going to wait to get married after Covid because it made sense to get married sooner rather than later.
Finally, I truly realized I have been working my body so hard the last 8 years that it decided to shut down immediately after the wedding. I have been and currently still have some unexplainable symptoms but I have it mostly under control temporarily until I can get some medical help. I do have days where I am pretty tired and have a slight migraine, but I can manage to stay up just long enough and keep a migraine at bay right before it gets pretty bad. I did finally get some movement this month on what could be the cause. There are a couple ideas my new doctor thinks it could be, but I'll start getting some real answers after my blood work comes in from this week. I'm hopeful that I'll start feeling what normal can be like soon. Life is definitely starting to feel like a bunch of appointments and events for me. It's good to start feeling like normal life is coming back again, but it's definitely been overwhelming for me at times. It's just a new normal where I'm learning how to say "no" so that I can have a small break in the week for my health.My birthday this year has been a stark difference from the last few years because I've spent a lot of my birthdays alone, especially last year. Changes like these can be pretty overwhelming for me so spending it with a group of people who want to do what I want to do is definitely not what I'm used to now. Thankfully, it's been a relaxing birthday for me.
I'm excited to see the changes and things God will bring in my life in this coming year. I'm looking forward to hopefully feeling better and getting the answers I need. Josh and I have plans (both short term and long term) but we're relying on God and praying to get the direction we need. A lot can happen in 1 year like this past year where I went from single and just making ends meet to being married to a great man and having the stability to get the care and time I need to take care of the health issues that I've been struggling with the past few years.
A quick recap of "To the Man Who Broke Me (Part 1)" and "To God Who Restores Me (Part2):"
The girl dated a very narcissistic abusive man who she felt deep in her heart that she shouldn't have. She went through 4 years of hardship as she tried to remove herself from this man who held onto her so tightly. She managed to get away only because the country shut down because of a quarantine.
Through the help of God's guidance and protection, the girl saw a lot of healing happen within herself a year before she was able to remove herself from this abusive man. She was ready for what God wanted her to do next even though the Covid-19 pandemic was only at its start.
Now back to the story. The girl starts her journey into online dating while also making plans to live in a van or save for school. The girl sifts through many profiles of men that are in her age range. She matches with several suitors over the course of 3 months. She goes on a couple of not-so-great dates with one guy who had some commitment issues. The girl feels that she is exhausting her options of Christian men in a 100-mile radius to the point where only 1 new guy would show up every few days.
In early June, she considers deleting the Bumble because it seemed like God was closing that door and she was ready to continue on with the other two options. She decides that she will give herself a couple more weeks of using the app and would stop using it on her 25th birthday at the end of the month.
A couple days before she visits family in early-mid June, she stumbles upon a guy's profile that stuck out to her more than any profile. His love for God, his family and friends, and his hobbies intrigues her, but she thinks he is way out of her league. Yes, she still swipes right thinking, "Well, it won't hurt. He'll probably move on pretty quickly."
A few more days pass and she is looking forward to a beach trip with some childhood friends and seeing her family because it's almost been a year since she has seen them. She flies across the country with her mask on and luggage in hand. After she runs across from one side of the airport to the other to catch her layover, she looks down at her phone out of breath but relieved that she didn't miss her flight to her hometown. She notices that she has a new match on Bumble. It's the man who she thought is out of her league. She takes a shot in the dark and messages him a question that requires some thought but not too much of a curve ball. She gets a response almost immediately so she responds back. Their conversation continues for another 15 minutes until the girl has to put her phone on airplane mode.
The girl's plane lands and she is reunited with her family who she missed dearly. She enjoys her time with her friends at the beach and later with family. The girl continues to get to know the man on Bumble and learns that they have a lot more in common than what is portrayed on his profile as they ask each other questions. The girl feels comfortable and safe enough that this guy is genuine and tells the truth about his life so she agrees to meet with him for a date the day after she returns from her trip.
The 10-day trip feels so short, but the girl is optimistic about the budding relationship that she is forming with this man. Their date is simple but relaxing. It is a walk in a forest along a well-populated trail. As they walk, they share their testimonies and the things that mean the most in their lives. After a long walk, they eat Mexican food at a local authentic restaurant and talk for a few more hours. Both are very hesitant for a couple months to let the other in because of the hurt that both had gone through.
After both trusting in God and continuing to get to know each other, it becomes clear to both the girl and this guy that marriage is definitely in the cards. They continue their relationship for another 2 months before they get engaged to build a stronger foundation as friends since they didn't know each other before Bumble. The man becomes someone the girl can rely and trust on where he takes care of her in a loving and provisional way. She realizes how much God knew the type of man the girl needed after all she has been through.
Their engagement is full of trials. The girl goes through another move but one that is closer to the man's family so that she has people she knows closer to her as she waits and plans their wedding. She goes through so many hoops to figure out their wedding because of Covid and the changing restrictions as well as having family 3,000 miles away. The wedding works out despite all of the changes that the girl and the man who loves her went through. Their wedding is beautiful and unique but most of all Christ-centered.
As life continues, the girl starts seeing the things that she craved for for a long time. The man shows his love in his tender care but also fun-loving personality. He comforts her when she struggles with her health, her failures, and anxiety but always makes sure to bring her back to Christ. He prays with her and over her. He provides her with the stability that she never knew. He also teases her in a loving kind of way...
Everyday life (for me) sometimes has its ups and downs. Some days feel like hills while others feel like valleys or a combination of both, but God is continuously faithful and I can say that with confidence despite all that I went through.
Here's another song reflection that has had a huge impact on me recently and in the past. Underneath both the video and lyrics, I'll give a reflection and/or anecdote of my life and how it really struck me.
Verse 1
Winter has come back againChorus 1
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me
Verse 2
I am the wandering son
Enough is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
Yeah, I'm desperate for grace.
Chorus 2
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Take all of me
Hold on to me
Bridge (x3)
Broke Your heart a thousand times(Chorus 1 x2)
Outro
Winter will come to an end
Soon the season will end
I surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am
When I hear this song, I think of David, the prodigal son, and Job as well as many other Biblical figures who have suffered through some dark times.
Sometimes suffering was caused from their own sin, such as when David's punishment for committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband to cover up their sin. David had gone through so much suffering for that sin. 4 of his sons died, including the baby that Bathsheba had and his son (Absalom) who tried to kill David, because of his sin. In Psalm 51, you can clearly see David's remorse and pain he is suffering from the decisions he made that got him to that point. I can imagine David praying to God to hold onto him and not to let go through all of the fear that he had been going through while hiding from his son who was trying to kill him. Despite how bad the things David did, he is still know as one of the greatest men of God and he was a patriarch in Christ's lineage.
Alright, now for the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). We all know this parable. What has always struck me most about this parable was not that he was wasteful of his inheritance nor how his father welcomed him home and threw a giant party. It was how the prodigal son was so very willing to be his father's servant. Before reuniting with his family, he was pretty much chasing the wind and enough was never enough when it came to what he could do with his inheritance. David sometimes reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son who pretty much throws away everything God has ever blessed him for earthly things. I can see the prodigal son desperate for any kind of grace going to his father pleading for him to not let him fall to his face despite deserving it, and his father (like God with David) still forgives and blesses him.
Then there's Job. He was blameless but he lost everything. He lost his children, home, and wealth. His friends treated him like he sinned against God, which they thought could be the only explanation for his suffering. Job knew he needed God and he held onto God despite his "friends" persecuting him for the things he lost that he had no control over, and this season God had put Job through must have felt like a "winter that won't end." Job had many moments where he asked, "Why me?" One those examples is his physical response of ripping his clothes and shaving his head in sorrow. Despite all of that, Job clung to God and, in the end, God blessed Job immensely more than what he had before.
This song has hit me so many times in my life when things seem tough. It is a constant reminder to me that no matter what happens in your life you need to cling to God, especially during the hard times. I also see the the suffering in some capacity that has happen to David, the prodigal son, and Job.
When it comes to my faith and certain things happening in my life right now, it feels like I am in that winter season that doesn't seem to end. For me, Covid has been such a blessing in so many areas, but it has been wearing on me more and more as the months go by. It was bearable the first few months before I had a new relationship and a wedding to distract me from the emotional, mental, and physical pain I had been trying to stuff down through all of the excitement. As I think about it, I can see how that led to my attitude throughout wedding planning.
I am very candid with some people in my life, especially my husband. I find myself saying to him that I can't pretend I am doing the best and that I don't have it figured out. And he has been such an encouragement. He prays with me and for me and finds ways to encourage me and support me. We're both going through so much change (some the same and some very different) in our lives and we're trying to navigate our changes both individually and together. It doesn't help that I have been feeling very spiritually depleted and feeling like I have no energy.
I have been in my Bible more than I ever have in my life but I have been struggling to feel the connection I have had before Covid and the beginning of Covid. But with everything that's happened in response to Covid and the things I have been struggling with health-wise, I constantly find myself asking, "Why? Why does my faith feel so attacked right now since we can't worship in the way we used to? Why is this country in such disarray? Why does my body shut down on me?" I know that there are seasons in our lives where it feels like God has gone "silent" and that's okay. That's when we need to cling onto God and ask Him to "hold on to me" like it says in this song. , I can say that despite how hard this social distancing and mask wearing has been for me, God has greatly blessed me like He had with Job. I met and married my husband during this crazy time. I can see how God is protecting me and using both my husband and I to support each other during this difficult period.
My health isn't what it used to be and it has gotten worse over the last year. The things I used to be able to do last year, such as a 10-mile hike, is not something I can do now. It's been very frustrating to deal with and I have a hard time coming to terms with that. If I push myself too hard, I will more than likely get a massive migraine that will take me out for the rest of the day and possibly make me feel wiped the next day. Even on a good day, I feel tired and headache-y all day no matter how much sleep I get.
I've always had unanswered questions why I feel the way I feel, but never could get the answer. I've been doing what I can so that I can feel more functional than what I'm used to, which is pushing myself to do the every day things I need to do. I've gone gluten free (in addition to being mostly dairy free) and that's helped a little bit, but it has been very discouraging because I can't have the things I enjoyed eating and it takes a lot of energy that I don't really have to make food that I can eat that's good for my body. Even though I am unable to solve the headaches/migraines induced by wearing a mask, I know I can rely on God for the strength and energy I need to get through the day and get the things I need done.
I am even more hopeful now that with better health insurance I can get those answers, which is such a blessing. I look forward to seeing my new doctor and talking with her the long list of symptoms that have been a daily and sporadic battle for me.
As I was sitting in my chair yesterday, I was reminded by my Facebook memories that yesterday was exactly 1 year from the point where my previous church started live streaming their church service, which they never did before. But, let's back up a couple more days...
On March 13, 2020, Governor Inslee of Washington issued a statewide shutdown for schools and limited gatherings. A couple of days later the entire country followed suit and shut down so that in 15 days the country can flatten the curve. Life as we knew it completely changed. Kids were doing school from home. People were getting laid off, furloughed, losing hours, or working from home. Terms, such as quarantine, mask wearing, and social distancing, became a part of everybody's everyday vocabulary.
For me, the quarantine and Covid 19 completely changed my life. Today, I am reflecting on this past year. This past year was far from the year I was expecting. Like many, my life was completely flipped upside down where I had to figure out a new normal.While I was already working from home with my full time job, I lost both my side jobs (nannying and tutoring) that were giving me additional income that helped me pay my bills...
A year before Covid 19 and the quarantine, I had left a toxic relationship and had gone through a lot of counseling for previous hurt. I was so close to being out of a 10-year depression, but there was the constant reminder of my past that kept me from getting to that point. While attending my previous church, I was struggling with having someone who couldn't get past the idea that he was causing me so much pain and anxiety. It was getting worse right before the quarantine to the point where I was highly considering a restraining order and trying to decide whether that was the right thing to do.
While I was in the process of speaking up to protect myself and deal with this situation, Governor Inslee gave the order to limit gatherings which included churches. While being away from my Christian community was extremely hard, I felt the last of the dark heavy clouds lift because I was no longer dealing with the person making me feel so unsafe in a place that should allow me to feel safe. That was just the start of all the changes in the last year...
The plans I had for the year were completely different than what they became. I was planning to scuba dive more often, start saving up for a car and a trip to Paris, and pay off my student loans by my 25th birthday in June. God had very different plans for me, and they were far better than I could ever imagine. The only thing I did manage in my original plan was become debt free.
The quarantine was not as hard for me as it has been for others even though I pretty much was living alone. I spent a lot of my time doing things I had put off, such as switching over my music to Spotify and creating my own personal digital book library. (My heart goes out to all those who have struggled and continue to struggle with the circumstances.) It was God's way to forcefully slow me down. With working full time and side jobs, it did not give me time outside of working to relax and have fun. Since I had more free time, the quarantine really made me look at my life and see what options I had available to me. I saw 3.
I was all in for all 3 options. I didn't know which one God wanted me to follow or if it was any of these options at all, but I was ready for whatever God wanted for me. If you asked me a year ago where you think I would be now, being married to a wonderful God fearing man would probably have been the farthest idea of where I'd be today. God is so good and really knows how to humble me.
Little did I know that after only having Bumble for less than 3 months I would meet my future husband. I wasn't sure about him at first because he didn't seem to be my type, but I gave him a chance because his love for Christ, his family, and his friends is so evident and we have a lot in common. It became clear very quickly that God wanted us to be together. Our dating life felt like one from the 1950's or 1960's. We spent our time together taking walks, talking faith, going on drives, and telling each other what we hope our future lives to look like. This probably wouldn't have happened had it not been without all the other distractions that would have been around if Covid was not a thing. We got engaged 4 months into dating and married 5 months later on March 13, 2021. Unintentionally, that is exactly one year from the day Governor Inslee started the Covid 19 restrictions.
I'm sure in 5, 10, or 20 years for those of us who remember this will remember the lives we had to get used to because of the quarantine and shut down. For me, I'll be the one to say that I met and married my husband during a pandemic.
